Why does a journalist want to do a feature on his sister with asthma??

Recently I shared a link to a story my brother wrote. It was about me living my life with severe asthma.  He is a journalist with the Daily Record and is doing some pieces on asthma, smoking on hospital sites (one of my hobby horses) and some other things.

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(I apparently don’t have many photos of us together so this will have to do. Taking me off the ward when in hospital. I was lucky to get back to the ward alive with his driving of the hospital wheelchair!!)

I wanted to ask him a few questions (it turned out to literally be a few) on why he wanted to do a piece about me and my story of living with severe asthma. I am really proud of him for doing this especially as asthma is destroying so many peoples lives yet asthma is dismissed and not thought to be that serious by the majority of the population.

Below is his answers to my questions!

Why did you want to do the piece?

Without a doubt it was from seeing what you have gone through over the years, particularly in the last few when I have been around it more. It’s really not a well-understood condition from a layman’s point of view. People just think it’s ‘a bad cough’ or getting out of breathe when you play sport, but nobody sees the sinister way it can affect someone’s life.

Health stories are such a massive and important part of the media, particularly in how it can help activism and help push the conversation surrounding policy. I don’t think asthma gets the coverage it deserves. Talking to people who face a daily struggle with illness and putting their journeys in the public eye helps others open up and deal with their own conditions. But asthma suffers don’t have that voice like other illnesses like cancer or MS. Obviously as your annoying wee brother I have seen you at your best and worst with asthma, and it’s so inspiring. I wanted your journey to help others above all else.

On the other hand, it was so important to include the work you do behind the scenes for Asthma UK and other charities. Covering topics like correct techniques for taking medication and attitudes towards asthma help stimulate conversation, even on a day-to-day basis, from a light natter over Sunday lunch to discussions between health professionals.

How did covering the story affect your understanding of asthma?

Without a shadow of a doubt the amount of medication someone with severe asthma – and knock-on conditions – must take on a daily basis. I knew your asthma was bad through years of hospital visits and attacks, as well as using it to my advantage to beat you at golf (still not sorry). That hit home in a big way when you were placed on a ventilator recently – it was actually what prompted me to want to do the story. So I guess you could say that I knew how bad it could get before doing the piece, but only just before I sat down to write it.

But the medication routine was what really hit me hard. The sheer volume of treatments you have to take every single day was staggering, and shocked many of my colleagues. Knowing how you still get on with your life, throw yourself into activism and sport wherever you can, makes that even more staggering. To be taking 38 treatments daily at the age of 33 is mind blowing. I think getting that across to people really helps them to take it just as seriously as other, more talked about conditions

International Nurses Day

The birthday of Florence Nightingale it is only natural that this is also international nurses day given she was the founder of modern nursing as we know it.

When I left school I was the last person anyone would have thought would be a nurse. All I did was sport, all I talked about was sport. I was sport and it was all I had. A series of events happened in life and I had to rethink my career and I somehow ended up doing nursing and I could not be happier!!! I had so much fun doing my training and then got a job in an area I never thought I would end up but being a renal nurse is pretty special and I don’t think any other area you will get the same relationship between nurses, patients, Drs and families.

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This photo was taken just after we passed our final OSCE’s in 3rd year!!!

I miss putting on my cornflower blue uniform everyday. I loved being a nurse and will be back as a nurse when my lungs get better. Being a nurse is hard work, busy, never time for a rest and you never know what will happen next but seeing the improvements in patients is the best feeling you can have. Even if it is the little things like sitting chatting to them or helping them with a wash and getting their own clothes on, it is so rewarding. For me it is even more special as I have been on the receiving end of nursing care so many times and the nurses that take that extra bit of time to just do that little something means so much to me.

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This uniform means so much to so many. For me it gives me a purpose. While not being in renal this year I keep my uniform out so on days when I am feeling dejected and thinking about what I should be doing had my health not stopped me, it is there reminding me what I am aiming to get back to. My life as a nurse is not over, it is temporarily on hold, while I focus on research and getting my health better so I can go back to doing what I love with a body that can cope and the energy to give it my all.

I also owe my life to nurses. Having asthma like I do and requiring hospital treatment, admissions and appointments I come across a lot of nurses. The nurses have made sure I am alright, helped me wash when I am too weak to do it myself, helped me go to the toilet when just moving from the bed to commode is too much for my lungs, even just holding my hand when I am finding the situation terrifying because every breath is a fight and requires more energy than I can muster. The presence of a nurse just being there adds this security so I know I am ok.

When you live with a chronic condition which lands you in hospital fairly often you end up getting to know the staff in the wards. For me it is the respiratory ward. I always end up going to the same one now particularly since moving consultants. I also have to go to the respiratory ward once a month for my mepolizumab injection which is given to me by the asthma nurse specialists who take such care and will always answer questions I have or even just reassure me that I have done the right thing. One draw back which when I am not in hospital it is not a draw back is that the nurses now know me well. They will not hold back when they know I need pushed and just to buck up a bit. They will tell me to stop being stupid or stop being grumpy etc, at the time I hate them for it but I know they are doing it for my own good otherwise I would wallow in self-pity until I snapped myself out of it. Equally those nurses know when I am not doing well and am struggling, because they know me they know when something is up.

In NHS Lothian there is an awards night which celebrates the work of different people across the trust. Not only nurses, but Dr’s auxillaries, domestics anyone. The shortlist has just been released and it was fantastic to see one of the nurses from Ward 54 (the respiratory ward I attend) is up for Nurse of the year. I am thrilled as he is super. I have known him for a number of years, he is always so caring and takes time with his patients even when he has 101 things to do you never feel like you are being rushed, he gives you the time you need. He also always speak to your relatives and takes an interest which is really special. Nurses just now are stretched beyond belief, moral is low and nurses are required to do more and more jobs than before but with this nurse you would never guess. I really hope he does win the nurse of the year as he is so genuine and acts the same way to all his patients.

I want to thank all the nurses who have looked after me and worked with me. If it was not for them I would not be here.

Just use appropriate pictures!!!

I really can’t believe its been a week since I got back to the UK and Healthevoices is over. I still can’t put into words how I feel about it. It was nothing I could ever imagine and really can’t put it in words. It was truly fantastic.

Before I settle to write about the HealtheVoices experience there is something that was posted recently which has really caused a lot of uproar.

Asthma hits the headlines for all the wrong reasons all the time. Normally it is the number of asthma deaths that are occurring hits the headlines which shockingly is at 3 every day in the UK and 11 in the US everyday. Way way to high for a condition that is fairly common but equally under funded.

One of the reasons given to the poor asthma death rate is poor asthma management and poor inhaler technique. There has been a massive push recently in primary care and secondary care to ensure that patients are taking their inhalers when they need to but not only when they need to we need to make sure they are being taken correctly. Unlike tablets which can only really betaken on way, or injections again which when subcutaneous you can’t go massively wrong however inhalers is a whole new board game. The sheer number of different types of inhalers then the need for multi tasking when taking them as you need to breath in, spray inhaler, then take it and hold your breath. There is not enough time given to assessing the type of inhaler which will be best for the patient and suit their needs. Especially the younger people and again older people due to dexterity issues. Even being young, fit and with it taking an inhaler correctly can be hard.

I like to think my inhaler technique is pretty good. I do and have been told on occasion that my technique specifically using my MDI (the traditional spray) inhaler is not quite right. I was even told at an asthma research meeting by one of the Dr’s there my technique was questionable but he said he let me away with it as I was about to go on stage to speak in front of about 150 people. But it shows that even those who can have good technique can slip when not concentrating 100% on what they are doing.

Asthma nurses, dr’s, patients and researchers on twitter were in uproar after the below photo was posted by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE).

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This picture is a complete 101 on how not to take your inhaler. Everything about it is wrong. Quite rightly everyone has been very annoyed by the main centre of excellence for health in the UK getting a photo so wrong. They have clearly not taken any time over selecting a picture or thought about the impression it is going to have on anyone that sees it.

This is not a new issue. Every week there are photos printed/posted relating to asthma which do not show good inhaler technique or even a technique which is relating to the current guidelines. It seems that everyone has their image bank and go to that, select a nice photo and that’s the one that is used.

I have and I am sure many others have come to the conclusion that the image banks have not been updated and are all out of date and not in keeping with current best practice.

As a result of this I have decided to try and make a change. I want to update these image banks and have a wide range of photos, some of older people using their inhaler, some younger people, a mix of devices as well but the key thing is to have the photos which display the current best practice.

I have been very fortunate to have so many people come forward to help with this so I am keen to get started. I have never done anything like this before but the hope is there will be more photos like the one below and zero photos appearing similar to the above.

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It’s ok to not be ok.

This past week has been really tough. Asthma is one of those conditions that is on a spectrum. Going from those with the mildest of asthma to those with the most severe and life threatening asthma you get everyone across the board and you can not pick out the one person with mild and the one person with severe asthma. You can’t see asthma, sometimes you can hear it depending on how wheezy you are!!!

Recovery from this last hiccup has taken a lot longer than I ever anticipated. It was not the worst of attacks but equally was not the mildest either. I was only in hospital for a week yet it has taken me a good 3 weeks to get back on my feet and still Im not there yet.

I have been so fortunate this time to have the support of my consultant. When I say support I mean that should I have issues he has said so many times that I just need to call his secretary and she will get him to call me back or the resp reg on call to give me a call. Having that support is so reassuring to me it makes life that little bit easier. Also being seen in clinic every month (which is a faff but won’t be forever) and then on top of that I am at the ward once a month too for my mepolizumab injection with the asthma nurse specialists so if I have any issues I can ask them too.

As much support as there is they cannot speed up the recovery process and help with the everyday symptoms that just take time. The never ending fatigue that no matter how much you rest it just doesn’t go away (Thanks to prednisolone contributing to that), and no it doesn’t help by getting a good night sleep. It is a fatigue that is unlike no other- a fatigue that having a nap won’t fix, it is a feeling where your whole body feels double its weight, you are not tired and sleeping doesn’t help, but you just cant do anything. Until you have experienced it (which I hope you won’t) you have no idea what it is like. This is the really hard bit. Fatigue you cant see, and asthma you cant see.

Keeping your mind motivated is really hard when your body is preventing you from doing what you love. This is the challenge I keep facing. This time of year its all about Christmas, Christmas Parties, going out with friends, shopping and enjoying the festive period, but I feel like I am sitting watching the world go by and seeing photos of people enjoying themselves but I haven’t been able to join them. Just going to the shops to get the messages is hard enough leaving me exhausted.

One big thing that I am really finding hard and one friend who is also on biologic therapy said this can be a side effect is speed of recovery as well as joint and muscle weakness. Speed of recovery has been slow but as I keep trying to tell myself slow and steady wins the race- but truthfully its getting really wearing now. The other thing is the joint and muscles weakness. I always have some weakness after being in hospital as for most of it I am bed bound and not able to get up due to the inability to breath and also the number of IV lines I have which are often in my feet making walking a challenge. Building up slowly isn’t helping. The only way I can describe it is having DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) but having DOMS that won’t go away. Normally lasting 48 hours this has been 2 weeks now and my quads feel like they are ripping in half every time I go to sit down or stand up, occasionally jerking as I walk too, stairs are an interesting experience- thankfully I have a lift in my building so can avoid the stairs!!!

I am desperate to get back to work and my consultant knows this. I see him tomorrow to hopefully get the ok. I know it will be tough going back to work but I need something to mentally challenge me. I having been doing bits and pieces of research and evaluation of research conferences too. Evaluation forms I find are so hit or miss especially when there has been positive or negative things that you want to acknowledge etc- there is never the room and I end up putting a covering letter along with the form.

This whole recovery process and hospital admission this time has taught me a lot. The main thing I guess I have finally accepted is that it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to ask for help and admit when you are defeated. Over the years I have been made to see a psychologist to help me deal with life with severe asthma. You could say I was a bit resistant to it initially. I think it was the stigma I associated with it. I felt that if I was seeing a psychologist then something was wrong with me mentally and actually my problems were psychological rather than physical. I think I made this assumption because I was young (this was over 12 years ago) and at the time there was really not much openness about mental health and it really was stigmatised. In more recent years as my asthma has impacted my life in ways I never thought it would and prevented me doing more than I ever thought I have been so thankfully to have access to a psychologist  who I can see regularly and help deal with the restrictive aspects of living with such severe asthma. What I have found though is that I have focused so much on adapting life to cope with my asthma and the majority has been on pacing. I didn’t realise that a major area which we never worked on or spoke about was the severe life threatening attack that comes out the blue much like this last one was, and also the trauma after it. It has almost felt like a mild version of post traumatic stress because even at clinic last week I got this huge sense of fear when I saw those windows of the ICU again.

So tomorrow I have a variety of different appointments all at different hospitals. The morning I have the asthma nurse specialists for my mepolizumab injection and review with my consultant, then the eye pavilion to have tests done on my eye that has lost its peripheral vision and then over to the royal infirmary to see the psychologist and will go up to see work and discuss coming back.

I hope that getting back to work and routine will maybe improve the fatigue I have and give me a purpose to my day again.

Cleaning products and lung health

Reading the BBC news online I came across an article about cleaning products and lung health. A study carried out in Norway found that using a micro fibre cloth and water was suitable for most purposes rather than the products full of chemicals which advertise themselves as killing 99.9% of all bacteria etc.

Cleaning particularly house work is something that has to be done in all homes, offices, public places etc. There is no getting away from it unless you prefer to be in an area which is not cleaned. Not many people enjoy cleaning and it is a chore rather than a hobby or enjoyable past time (forgive me as I know there are some people who do enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic) with needs to be done. Many will leave it as long as they can possibly get away with before they get the mop, bucket and all the different cleaning products out to make everything sparkle and smell nice while removing the limescale, grease, dust etc from surfaces.

The reason I am writing about this is because for some people like myself cleaning and cleaning products can be life threatening causing acute breathing difficulties and allergic reactions. A study highlighting that water and micro fibre clothes are just as good as Mr Muscle, Cif, Cilit Bang and all the other products which you end up buying which all have a different job to do in the house is fantastic and could potentially remove a massive risk to my health.

You wouldn’t think that cleaning products could cause such big issues. You may be thinking that of course some products particularly those containing bleach will set my asthma off and why am I making a whole blog post dedicated to cleaning products. Well for me other than the strong chemicals posing a risk to my asthma most cleaning products also contain salicylic acid which I am very allergic to.

At home it is ok and I can avoid things that pose a risk by just not using them and finding alternatives. I am in control of what is and what is not used to clean my flat (whether I am doing it or my Mum) so I can eliminate as many risks as possible. However out with my safe haven of home, there are cleaning products everywhere- work, restaurants shops, hospitals etc. I do not know what is being used or what has been used on the objects I touch however with this new evidence suggesting that there is not always a need for chemical products, there is some hope that places may adopt this and change their cleaning regime to water and microfibre clothes.

For those who are not allergic and don’t have difficulties with their breathing must think what am I going on about and why am I making a big deal. Well cleaning products have been life threatening. Once I was not aware that my nebuliser mask had been cleaned by a member of staff on the ward when I had been admitted to hospital. They thought they were being helpful and even the staff member admitted she had assumed you cant be that allergic to even mild cleaning products and she thought it was mainly food stuffs. The result of the clean nebuliser mask was this:

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This photo I took after I had been given oral and IV anti histamine, IV steroids, a number of back to back nebulisers and about 4 hours after the initial reaction. You can clearly see were the nebuliser was on my face and where I have reacted to whatever it was cleaned with and the residual cleaning product left behind.

In hospitals it becomes even trickier to try and avoid cleaning products and many of them seem very toxic given some of the bugs they need to kill to prevent the spread of infection and increasing the number of people having to stay in hospital longer because they have not been able to recover from their initial illness due to developing another illness from exposure to bacteria. I would never expect the NHS or hospitals to change their cleaning regimes as the infection control teams will have assessed the best possible way to ensure the wards are kept clean and safe. Having said that the products used to achieve this do pose a really big threat to me and have resulted as fair few times in me staying longer in hospital due to having an allergic reaction to some sort of cleaning product being used. It has once been such a bad reaction when I was in hospital that I had to be moved to the critical care unit to be stabilised.

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Above is the remains of an allergic reaction. I think this was a good 8-9 hours after the reaction. I was in hospital due to a chest infection which had my asthma worse. I had narrowly avoided going to critical care when I was admitted but did have to be in a monitored bed and attached to all the machines. This meant I wasn’t allowed up to the toilet and had to use a commode- which I used but when I stood back up to get back into bed I felt awful. My skin was burning, itchier than hundreds of midge bites, my heart rate jumped up to 180 ish and breathing was very difficult. Thankfully the respiratory team had just arrived to review me anyway when I had this reaction. The Dr’s were looking at the monitor as my heart was going mad, and my oxygen saturations dropping but the respiratory nurse specialist who was also with them was talking to me from the end of the bed. She said she could just see the bright red rash spread before her eyes and soon I was scarlet all over with parts of it blotchy. Again I was given everything to treat it and quickly moved to the critical care unit. It turned out the commode I had used was cleaned with some other product rather than the normal one so the contact of it on my skin was enough to spark a reaction.

There have been other situation where cleaning products have caused a reaction for example my youngest brother gave me a hug once but the washing powder he used I met have been sensitive to as where bare skin touched his jumper I had a blotchy reaction which looked very bizarre- almost like a golfers tan except the tan was red inflamed irritated skin and not a nice bronze colour.

From this you can see that for me cleaning products pose a huge risk but not predominantly from an asthma point of view but an allergy side. Of course the allergic reaction in turn sets my asthma off due to the irritation to my airways from the chemical etc etc. It would be fantastic if more studies were done which further proved that chemical based cleaning products are not required and water with a micro fibre cloth is just as good.

This would make the risks to many not just myself but other who have allergies or asthma which is triggered by strong smells from cleaning products or the chemicals themselves much less and mean that we are able to preserve our lung function and lung health by not exposing them to harmful triggers. Until the time comes and chemical based products which cause me harm are less widely available I have my own way to try and protect myself. I have a vogmask which many other brittle asthmatics, ILD or CF patients recommended to me. This mask has a filter to can protect me from inhaling the chemicals which could cause a reaction. This won’t eliminate all the risk as there is still the risk from contact. This is the vogmask which can be bought online. I do feel pretty self conscious in it just now if I wear it in public but I am sure as I get used to it and reap the benefits from it then I won’t notice it so much.

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Happy Birthday NHS

Today 69 years ago the NHS was created. A vision of the government and Clement Attlee which would provide a unified health service available to all. The campaign and implementation was spearheaded by Nye Bevan who can be quoted saying:

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I really do owe everything to the NHS and it is scary to see how the Conservative party are really making some difficult choices and actions which are really putting stress on the NHS which is a health service already on its knees.

It is a huge compliment to Scotland whose health service is by no means perfect but reading tweets this morning which said the Scottish system should be the road map for the health service in England, with that being said in newspapers headlines were slating the Scottish health services and hospital due to the number of beds being blocks and operations being cancelled. Its tough to see as I am both a service user of the NHS and employed by the NHS. I have also had experience of the NHS in England and there are huge differences which could be down to those who run the systems- the Scottish Government and British Government.

As an employee of the NHS I must say it is a fantastic organisation to work for. I have been very fortunate in my treatment by the NHS, I have a pension with them, receive a wage and have the support of colleagues but it is so hard to sit back and watch as wards are under staffed with not enough nurses, drs, domestics, care assistants and everyone is run off their feet all the time trying to cater for the needs of everyone else but not able to take the time out they need. NHS nurses have been subject to a 1% pay cap (along with other professions) which has crippled a lot of nurses who have families, mortgages and just trying to cover their bills. The 1% cap being lifted would make a huge difference because it would not only makes nurses lives more comfortable but it would be their effort recognised and help them feel valued in what they are doing.

As a user of the NHS and dependent on the NHS I really value them. I have gone from growing up in Scotland where because I was in school and under 18 I got free prescriptions so didnt need to rely on anyone for my medications and inhalers. I was guaranteed to get them no matter what. I then went to living in England being self sufficient and having to budget to include my growing medication list. At the time the cost of a prescription was £7.20 per item. It has gone up a huge amount now but this was about 10 years ago. I was on a huge number of medications and often needed multiple prescriptions of certain medications. It became a budgeting nightmare. I was fortunate that I was able to buy a pre-payment certificate so for £110 every year I was able to get all my prescriptions covered with it. Now living in Scotland prescription charges were scrapped which for me has been a real benefit as I have so many medications and currently have 32 regular items on my repeat prescription which is the medication I need every day. While free prescriptions for me are great I can imagine them being abused for some people who will go to the GP for something and get a prescription rather than spending the money themselves. A number of medications which people get on prescription could be things which can be bought over the counter but because they are free on script they go for that option putting more stress on the GP system.

I have also had some outstanding care from a variety of medical professionals. All hospitals across the UK have been great. The care I can’t fault especially when I was in hospital in Winchester and having my consultant from Southampton driving up after he finished work to review me as we were struggling to get control of my asthma. It is things like this that stick in your head and you won’t ever forget. Its also nursing care too. I can remember being in the resp ward Shawford Ward after coming out of ICU but finding it hard to breathe but being too terrified to go back to intensive care, but a nurse from ICU came to sit with me and go through why I didnt want to go back and reassured me it would be ok. She didnt have to do that but she did and it made a difference. It too sticks in my mind and when looking at the prospect of going to ICU I do think about that time. Not all hospital experiences are good and there are times when you do have bad nursing or bad medical care but its going to happen when services are stretched to the point of breaking.

It is scary to think that we really could be facing a time without the NHS. Im not sure how I would survive without them. They have been there to pick up the pieces when my asthma has kicked off. Looking at some numbers a night in ICU costs £2000 approx. I spent 4 nights earlier this year. I wouldn’t be able to afford that if the NHS is privatised. £500 approx for a night stay in hospital. I was in hospital for 3 weeks earlier this year. I would need over 1/2 a years salary to cover my hospital stays not including the added extras like x rays, bloods, IVs, drugs, food to name but a few.

I owe my life to the NHS as do so many other people but with so many people abusing the NHS and going to hospital for a sore tummy or headache, or cut finger when not needed is crippling the service. As a nurse I can’t say to people why did you bother going to the hospital because this could have been dealt with at home, we have to smile and provide the care we would give to other patients and hope their Dr will discharge them when required so the bed can be opened up for someone who really needs it. I often question going into hospital and calling an ambulance. If I can I will drive myself to hospital but am often told I was stupid for doing that and should have called an ambulance because people who were a lot less in need would call them but I feel if I am able to get myself there thats what I should be doing and if I can deal with my asthma at home then I should and do all I can to stay at home so to ease the burden on the stretched heath service.

Please stop and think if you do need the GP, or hospital or prescription. The NHS is on its knees but as a country we wouldn’t be able to survive with it and healthcare would not be accessible to all as it is now.

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How do you get used to to living in a state of instability?

You don’t….

I like my life to be quite ordered. I like to know what I’m doing day to day, week to week. Many think I am stuck in my ways but I like routine. Routine gets me through, it means I know where I am. Recently I have found my asthma has been not to bad but the last month I would say it has been teetering on a knife edge. Never quite knowing when things are going to tip but desperately hanging on.

It is that very difficult period where your just sort of suffering. The nights are long and a little frightening as my asthma always gets worse at night. I finish work at four and have often been in bed by 6 using my nebulisers but just exhausted from getting myself through the day without getting sent home or worse ending up in A&E. Part of me wants to just hold my hands up and admit defeat but I can’t. I have to keep going.

If I am honest I feel alone just now. I sort of feel like I am on my own with this horrible condition even though I know Im not. I have lost a lot of my vital support networks which I didnt realise I heavily relied on even when my breathing is good. Matters out with my control have meant that to protect myself I cannot show true self or leave myself vulnerable to others, in doing this I am protecting myself but I am also isolating myself and I hate this. I loved being part of the support groups being able to help others and receive help and support myself too.

I really hate asthma just now and how little it is understood.

If only it could go away or a cure could be found soon. I try to be strong but today I can’t be. Today I want to hide in my flat and curl up in bed.

One of the other things I hope that by just not doing anything this weekend is that I still have a massive fear of going to A&E again. The fear of not being listened to is still fresh in my mind and that resulted in me going to intensive care because a nurse thought he new best, I was young and was not that bad. I hate to think what would have happened had I not had my own nebuliser with me and had I not know my own chest. I mean even with my own actions I couldn’t stop myself ending up in intensive care and this really terrifies me. I fear that I will end up being looked after by the same nurse again, it may be an irrational fear and the chances are slim but it is still there in my mind at was was already a scary time and it was just made worse. As a result there has been times when I may have had to go to hospital but did because I just stayed at home and would do back to back nebs- maybe more than I should have but the fear was paralysing and I can’t explain that fear to anyone.

I have to look at the positives though. I have had the most amazing summer doing things I never thought I would have. I made some awesome friends and played more lacrosse than I could have dreamt of so while I don’t feel great I can sit and look at the photos and memories of the summer and smile knowing that with hard work I will be able to do this again!!