Another chapter ending in my life

“the uniform I love is the uniform that saves me and is killing me” has been a statement I have written many times over the years.

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I posted on social media a few weeks ago now to say that I would not be coming back to my job as a community dialysis nurse. I would be ending my career as a nurse come April 2020.

It has not been a decision I have taken lightly. I have spoken to a number of different people including my family, respiratory team and my bosses at work. Last January I was not in a good place physically or mentally. I had come off the back of a really bad run of asthma attacks a rough hospital admission and for the first time ever I did not feel able to go back to work. Fast forward a year and rather my health being better I am in a worse situation, my health is at an all time low and it is hard to cope with my daily life and everyday tasks. I am relying on my mum more and more so there is no way I could continue working.

I am beyond devastated at having to give up nursing. I fell into nursing after having to give up a career in sport. I was determined that I would do all I could to get myself through university and qualify as a nurse. It was hard but I did it with the support of my tutors and of course my consultant. Soon after qualifying I got my dream job working in the renal unit which is where I stayed. I was so fortunate to have really understanding bosses who were so accommodating and made changes to help me and enable me to continue doing the job I love. I pushed on so much and often worked when potentially I should not have but it is because I genuinely loved my job. I loved the patient interaction, trying to help patients manage their condition and get the most out of their life.

Closing this chapter does not mean it is the end of nursing forever. Nursing is a career I will always be able to come back to when my health is better. For now it is just on pause.

A lot of people have been asking what I am going to do and will I manage ok without having an income. These are things that I will talk about in another post. Im am so gutted but it is for the best. My patients, colleagues and family were worrying about me when I was working and if I was ok. They were seeing that I was having no quality of life and I was living to work and that was it.

Nursing may have been put on hold just now but I am not going to give up on my dreams.

 

Looking back at #HealtheVoices19

The past few weeks have been really tough, Im not going to lie but there have been some very dark times and hard times. Although my lungs and breathing have been manageable it has been bad enough to limit what I am doing and I have had to increase my steroids again to get me though. Mentally it has been tough. Getting new diagnosis’s is tough. My last post I spoke about how steroids are the gift that keeps on giving but they are also giving me life so I have to take them.

Social media has been such a good support network for me particularly on days when I just can’t get out and about.

One thing I have noticed is the friends I made while in Dallas are the ones who are always there with comments or free to chat. I cant believe that I only met most of these people for 3 short days but to me I feel like I ave known many of them for ages. I am so thankful for the friendships I have made and just wish I was not the other side of the pond from them as I would desperately love to see them all again. Their support is unwavering. I wish I could give them the same support they give me. I am not sure if they know the impact they have had on me. Every single one of them has their own story to tell, own problems and challenges yet they still find the time to look out for others and wit their advocacy work they are improving the lives of others.

I realised I have not posted many of the photos from Dallas so below are some of the photos from HealtheVoices!!

This is just a small selection of the photos I have from HealtheVoices but they are all part of my tribe. They get me, they know what to say and they accept me for being me and who I am.

Thank you everyone!!

International Nurses Day

The birthday of Florence Nightingale it is only natural that this is also international nurses day given she was the founder of modern nursing as we know it.

When I left school I was the last person anyone would have thought would be a nurse. All I did was sport, all I talked about was sport. I was sport and it was all I had. A series of events happened in life and I had to rethink my career and I somehow ended up doing nursing and I could not be happier!!! I had so much fun doing my training and then got a job in an area I never thought I would end up but being a renal nurse is pretty special and I don’t think any other area you will get the same relationship between nurses, patients, Drs and families.

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This photo was taken just after we passed our final OSCE’s in 3rd year!!!

I miss putting on my cornflower blue uniform everyday. I loved being a nurse and will be back as a nurse when my lungs get better. Being a nurse is hard work, busy, never time for a rest and you never know what will happen next but seeing the improvements in patients is the best feeling you can have. Even if it is the little things like sitting chatting to them or helping them with a wash and getting their own clothes on, it is so rewarding. For me it is even more special as I have been on the receiving end of nursing care so many times and the nurses that take that extra bit of time to just do that little something means so much to me.

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This uniform means so much to so many. For me it gives me a purpose. While not being in renal this year I keep my uniform out so on days when I am feeling dejected and thinking about what I should be doing had my health not stopped me, it is there reminding me what I am aiming to get back to. My life as a nurse is not over, it is temporarily on hold, while I focus on research and getting my health better so I can go back to doing what I love with a body that can cope and the energy to give it my all.

I also owe my life to nurses. Having asthma like I do and requiring hospital treatment, admissions and appointments I come across a lot of nurses. The nurses have made sure I am alright, helped me wash when I am too weak to do it myself, helped me go to the toilet when just moving from the bed to commode is too much for my lungs, even just holding my hand when I am finding the situation terrifying because every breath is a fight and requires more energy than I can muster. The presence of a nurse just being there adds this security so I know I am ok.

When you live with a chronic condition which lands you in hospital fairly often you end up getting to know the staff in the wards. For me it is the respiratory ward. I always end up going to the same one now particularly since moving consultants. I also have to go to the respiratory ward once a month for my mepolizumab injection which is given to me by the asthma nurse specialists who take such care and will always answer questions I have or even just reassure me that I have done the right thing. One draw back which when I am not in hospital it is not a draw back is that the nurses now know me well. They will not hold back when they know I need pushed and just to buck up a bit. They will tell me to stop being stupid or stop being grumpy etc, at the time I hate them for it but I know they are doing it for my own good otherwise I would wallow in self-pity until I snapped myself out of it. Equally those nurses know when I am not doing well and am struggling, because they know me they know when something is up.

In NHS Lothian there is an awards night which celebrates the work of different people across the trust. Not only nurses, but Dr’s auxillaries, domestics anyone. The shortlist has just been released and it was fantastic to see one of the nurses from Ward 54 (the respiratory ward I attend) is up for Nurse of the year. I am thrilled as he is super. I have known him for a number of years, he is always so caring and takes time with his patients even when he has 101 things to do you never feel like you are being rushed, he gives you the time you need. He also always speak to your relatives and takes an interest which is really special. Nurses just now are stretched beyond belief, moral is low and nurses are required to do more and more jobs than before but with this nurse you would never guess. I really hope he does win the nurse of the year as he is so genuine and acts the same way to all his patients.

I want to thank all the nurses who have looked after me and worked with me. If it was not for them I would not be here.