Passive smoking……what does it mean???

apart from death?

I cannot count the number of posts I have done about smoking, passive smoking, the smoking ban and how it effects my lungs and the lungs of many others like me.

It really hit me the other day after parking my car in the carpark at work and walking the 200m to get into the hospital how many people I had to pass firstly at the pedestrian crossing, then the pavement to get to the narrow walkway to get inside the doors and then the narrow walkway itself and the doors was just like running a gauntlet and taking your life into your hands.

24….thats how many people (patients) I had to pass who were smoking on the short 200m walk. It is sickening to have so many people.

Im not sure those who are smoking really understand just what the effect is on other people as there is no way to liken it to anything else. I can never explain the mental and physical negative effects that it has on me (and Im sure I am not alone in those thoughts).

The fear I have is unreal. I am terrified that this is what may happen AGAIN

Both these photos are from the effects of passive smoke which hit me when I was no expecting it. The first photo was just before going to ICU after spending about 8 hours in resus, getting stable, moved to assessment unit to then get bad and need ICU. The second was taken in ICU after someone smoking below my open window and me having an asthma attack.

The fear of having asthma attacks is like no other. There are theories that you can make someone run up stairs with a close peg on their nose and breathe through a skinny straw to simulate what it is like to not be able to breathe but they can always take the peg off and open their mouth.

In the photos above I was so tired I just wanted to give up and stop fighting but you cant. If you give up you risk being intubated or dying. This is the reality. So many people die from asthma attacks that come from triggers that are out with their control. It feels like you are being punished for something you didnt do. It is more than just the attack itself but the consequences that go with it- being off work, missing holidays, medication that causes side effects, family being so worried about you, family needing to look after you to name a few.

Before the ban on smoking there were visible smoking shelters and it never used to be a risk to just get from your car into a building. I am not saying that everyone used the smoking shelter but a majority did and the risk was greatly reduced which matters so much.

My biggest fear in life is having an asthma attack, so imagine being faced with your biggest fear on a daily basis multiple times. It seriously makes me wonder if working is really worth the risk. I don’t know who to speak to about it. I blogged about it, tweeted about it, spoken to my union and will just about tell anyone who will listen. I love my job but it is getting to the point of weighing up risk and reward especially with being on a new treatment. Can I really justify the expense this new treatment will cost the NHS vs exposing myself to a major trigger everyday and risk attacks which could jeopardise the success of the trial.

Anyone who can suggest or make a difference to the smoking obstacle course I face please let me know (I have tried using other entrances but this is an issue at other ones too). as I am desperate now.

 

Mental Health Day

Today Marks World Mental Health Day. A bit of a taboo subject to many, even I myself find it hard to admit that my mental health is not what it should be or where it should be, partly due to the chemical concoction of roughly 38 tablets I take each day (one of which is for mental health) which have nasty side effects leading to depression anxiety and other experiences.

For me I never thought (or more rightly chose to admit) that I had any issues with my mental health. It was only in the last 10 years when I have been forced to confront the true reality of my physical health was I in turn forced to look at my mental health.

On my return back to Scotland from England my respiratory consultant said I had to learn to deal with my asthma and learn that I was not invincible and did need to admit that I was ill. I prefer to bury my head in the sand so if I am not thinking about it then it’s not happening but he forced me to address this. I was then sent to see the Cystic Fibrosis psychologist attached to his service to get some help. It was helpful but looking back I wish I took more of our sessions on board and really used them. I went to them because I was told to go rather than me seeing a need for it. The only good thing I took from those sessions were learning how to pace myself- something many would say I still cant do.

But now older and maybe wiser I am glad I have the opportunity to spend time with a psychologist to discuss various aspects of life and really acknowledge my mental health and what my physical health has done to it.

In the area I live we have what is called The Anticipatory Care Planning Team (I first got this letter and thought I was planning what would happen should I have an event that leaves me in a situation where I cannot make the decisions for myself). No, I was wrong. This is a service for people who need to use the health services regularly to manage their condition and make hospital admissions easier. This has in itself made a huge difference and made my experience of hospital a lot smoother and now don’t fear going to intensive care quite as much as I once did.  Once this plan had been established I continued going to these appointments and have found it so helpful.

The appointments have allowed me time to explore the various different parts of my life and how it has influenced my decision making and the decisions I have been forced to make. I have always been a bit of a pressure cooker. I hate talking about how I feel, I hate being upset infront of people, I hate showing any weakness. The only weakness I think I would ever show is my slight potential for being a hot head- on the football pitch with the odd slide tackle (which reminds me of a photo from Winchester days and a hot head moment and team mate coming over to sort it out while I protested I didnt do anything!!),

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the other time would be on the golf course and a bad shot followed by hitting the tee out the ground, talking to myself and several vicious swings to get the frustration out!! The only other time would be when I had so much pent up frustration and Iw oddly lash out and inch something- often not soft and now I have to live with the knuckles in disrepair. Apart from this I would burrow myself to myself and clam up. Something I also do when I do not want to admit when I am not well.

Exploring these behaviours further and with the help of the psychologist we identified that what I was actually suffering with was grief. I was grieving the life I had and had now lost but was trying to very hard to cling on to. It took a long time to really understand how I could be grieving what I had not lost as I still had my life but it was just a different life from before however the psychologist brought me back to think about what I really want in life. In all honesty I still want to be that ski instructor in the rockies if I could. He had said that because I still held that dream which realistically would never happen but had not dealt with this being taken out of my control, essentially I was grieving this want but sub consciously.

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(This photo was taken about 12 hours before life changed forever)

I always say and I truly mean that having the severe asthma and the life experiences it has given me has resulted in some of the worst times but also some of the best times but that does not mean I am glad to have had it. This is the part I struggle with. I would never have dreamt of speaking at conferences, being a published writer, featuring in a book, being asked to speak at events but I find because I say I enjoy them and glad I have had the chance to do this does this mean I am glad that I have had all the asthma attacks, and scary moments to be able to achieve such things. Of course I wouldn’t but I guess its a way of accepting the good in the bad.

If the asthma and all it has given me and all it has taken away from me was not enough to deal with then there is the medication I depend on. That is steroids and being on them continuously for almost a decade now has meant I have had just about every side effect that comes with them including the depression, feeling out of control, and just not knowing what to do with myself. This is one of the hardest parts to deal with. I just never know how I am going to feel and what it will be that is enough to just make me feel in the depths of despair. I cannot explain what it is like but those who have been on long term steroids or even a short course of oral steroids will know exactly what it is like. It cannot be explained in any rational way.

I hate to use the word grief but it is the only word I can think of to describe how I feel. I think I have got my head round what asthma has stopped me doing. I have fought through so many attacks where to be honest I just wanted to give up. The prospect of going to ICU which brought relief as you know they would look after you no matter what happens and you would be in safe hands when you just can not keep going. Fighting to keep independence when your family just want you near them and next to them so nothing can happen to you, keeping your job and working to the best of your ability to ensure you have something to do with your days and trying to keep active to give you just a taste of the life you once loved. This is all the things I myself fought to do. I took all my medications as needed, I may not have always made the right decisions like going to work when I was too wheezy, or pushing through when I didnt feel great, going to London to give talks and continue working altogether but I trusted my ability to do these things because my medical team were doing what was best for me and I thought they would have had my best interests when dealing with my care and adjusting my medications. I know no Dr would work in a manner to deliberately provide poor care but right now that is a feeling that keeps coming in to my head and it is tormenting me. Last April I had a horrendous admission to hospital and it really pushed me to breaking point, this resulted in me moving all my care away from one hospital to another. A big gamble but one I had to do as I was fed up or not getting anywhere and more life was being taken away- my major fear was the prospect of not being able to work. So moving care has turned out to be a good decision but it has left me with the really almost angry feeling. I cannot get over the fact that I am now under the care of someone who listens to me and has trailed me on a treatment that I have been asking for since it was released. He also acknowledged while being on a higher dose of oral steroid is not ideal it was needed for the time being to give me the quality of life I have not had. This is all great and I cant thank him enough but that being said I feel like I have wasted the last 6 years with my previous consultant going round and round in circles and not getting anywhere other than racking up the hospital admissions, intensive care visits and losing the will to live. I cant help but think what life could have been like had I made this change earlier, or had my care been different. Where could I be now. Could I still be working full time and have job prospects to look forward to, could I still be physically fit, all the what ifs in the world.

Living with a long term condition is so complex making mental health a large component wether it be due to medication you take or the complexity of living life and balancing being unwell, not able to be a “normal” person and living life. I wish I could talk more openly about how I really feel about my asthma and things but it is hard to talk about when you cant even process it all yourself because it is so complex!!!

Patient Centricity

For the past 5/6 years I have been given some fantastic opportunities and invited to be part of a number of very special events and a few events which are still to come.

Yesterday was one of those events.

Rewind 6 years and I would never even have thought I would be at ease public speaking let alone sitting in a room with a selection of people from big pharma companies listening to me speak about involving patients across the value chain working in partnership and not in a hierarchy.

It was thanks to one of the Scotland lacrosse team who suggested me to attend the event. It was a pan European forum for Patient Centred Pharma. A totally new challenge for me. I have for a few years now worked with Astra Zeneca and their patient partnership program but this was a number of different pharmaceutical companies together in one room to discuss and share their views of what works, what doesn’t work and the challenges they have faced. Myself and another patient advocate who refers to herself as an independent advisor when it comes to patient advocacy and engagement (I have borrowed the term independent advisor for myself due to the number of different groups I am part of) were invited to speak about our thoughts on patient involvement and insights.

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The day before the meeting I travelled to London. It was great as I travelled by train and in first class. It made the journey so much more comfortable to have some leg room and space along with the complimentary drinks, snacks and meal. Once in London we had a dinner before the meeting the next day. I would really recommend this to anyone who is holding an event that you will have patient representatives at as it really put me at ease and get to know the people who would be present at the meeting. Not only did the dinner break the ice but it was phenomenal. In the most amazing restaurant right on the River Thames followed by a night in an equally fantastic night in the most luxury hotel I have ever been in. The LaLit hotel was out of this world. Gadgets galore int he room, so much so I struggled to work the phone. I gave myself a fright with the heated toilet seat but also a toilet with a variety of different buttons to self clean, deodorise and so much more. It was very apt that the room number I had was 007 as Bond was known for his gadgets!!! Enough about the hotel and more on the meeting.

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Again a venue looking out onto the River Thames with Tower Bridge, the Tower of London and London Bridge as my view for the day it was hard to concentrate at first but once down to business I was able to focus on the job at hand. Once myself and the other patient representative had spoken about the value we feel we bring and how we can aid pharma companies business and enrich their products and knowledge it was mainly round table discussion from the various companies and how they develop their patient centricity. It was a range of those new to patient centricity and partnership to those who have it well established and embedded in their company and strategies.

As with any of these type of events I was nervous to begin with and had to take a deep breath and take the leap to voice my thought or opinion. Participating in the discussion is very different from giving a talk. When giving a talk it is your talk, your knowledge and your time. In discussion it is more about challenging and responding to other peoples comments or statements which you may or may not agree with. What you say may be challenged and you need to justify your belief.

One part of this which I find hard to get my head round I guess and that is the money aspect of it. To me I am the patient and want to see the new treatments developed. It is as simple as that. I don’t need to worry about the financial side of it, that is up to the National Institute of Clinical Excellence (NICE) or the Scottish Medicines Consortium (SMC), they decide what costs too much and what would be of most use. In pharma it is a business, they need to make money to continue operating. They need to be able to justify costs and show where value is and what is of value to them. They also need to look for profit. As a patient I feel conflicted because I don’t care about profit. Part of me thinks they are looking for profit off the back of people being ill but then they are a business and how can they move forward as we move towards precision medicine being the norm rather than more generic medications to treat a group of symptoms rather than the cause.

A very different experience from anything I have done before. The people who attended were fascinating to speak to and find out where their drive for patient centricity comes from. I really hope they all found it helpful having patient representatives present and able to speak to us. Healthcare culture is changing and it is such a different relationship from what once was the patient did as the Dr said, it is more of a 2 way conversation and discussion about a treatment plan and what would be the pros and cons. It is a very exciting time and I hope I can continue working in this area of healthcare and industry in the future.

2nd dose of Mepolizumab in the bag

Thats the second dose of mepolizumab done and dusted. Now to wait till next month for my next injection next month.

So many people have been asking me how I feel and if the new drug is helping or making a difference, or ask me when I will start noticing the benefits. Its really hard to tell. I am feeling some positive effects from it I think and there have been a few side effects but nothing major.

The most telling sign is that I have noticed my peak flow has been increasing and I have not been in my red zone since the 19th September. That is a full 10 days. It may not seem like a great achievement and many will not agree with me for being excited that I have gone ten days and not dropped my peak flow but the nature of my asthma has meant that my peak flow is all over the place and so has my control been. I must say my asthma control has not been poor through my own choice and I have tried desperately hard to keep it n control. I have not managed to get into my green zone since June but I am happy with that. Better to be stable and sitting in my amber zone stable than jumping up and down with readings all over the place. I think slow and steady is the way to improve….it has after all only taken 14 plus years to get to this point.

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Other than looking at peak flow results and keeping track of how much salbutamol (both nebuliser and inhaler) I am using how do I actually feel? DoI feel different?? It is hard to say. My prednisolone dose has not been reduced and has been kept at the same dose since I was discharged from hospital in April. I am finding it hard to identify if feeling well and pretty stable is because of the steroids or due to the introduction of the mepolizumab. Once I have my 3rd injection I am hoping my consultant sticks with his plan and we can start the slow process of reducing the prednisolone. I am aware I won’t get off it (or may get off it and converted to hydrocortisone due to adrenal failure) but lower will suit me just fine.

Since starting the mepo I have not been to bad with side effects. After the first I had a bad headache the first time but the second dose was not as bad. A bit of a sore head but nothing to major. The one thing I have noticed and I am not sure if it is coincidence or what but I have been waking up in the morning feeling like I am drowning or choking on the amount of phlegm I have on my chest. I have always had a bit of a productive chest- it goes with the territory of having lung disease but this is different. I am still not sleeping super well but I am wondering if that because I am sleeping slightly better and not waking up so much the phlegm is building up rather than me waking having a cough moving all the stuff and then settling back down. I guess the good thing is that all the movement of phlegm means I (fingers crossed) won’t be as susceptible to a chest infection and may notice them quicker as everything is moving so will see the colour changes. Although this is good that I am moving stuff in my chest I find in the morning I am having to do more saline nebulisers and a lot of physio to move it and it has often made me sick because of it. This is a minor price to pay though in terms of side effects.

With this medication as I have said before I won’t see improvements over night but will over time and I think I am starting to see them. The other thing I have noticed and finding it more and more is that people are telling me how well I look and don’t sound as bad which is probably the best part. The past 3 weekends have been jam packed full of different things- mainly lacrosse and by the end of each weekend I have been on my knees longing for my bed but I have managed them. I have managed to spend these weekends on the side lines of a lacrosse field, or in the middle of a lacrosse field coaching  with either Edinburgh Uni or Scotland (Scotland is just goalkeepers and assistant manager). A lie in over a weekend would be lovely and in the past weekends have been all about recovering and getting myself prepared for the next week of work but I have been able to use these weekends to do what I love and not suffer at work. Don’t get me wrong it was so hard to get up on Monday but I think most people find it hard to get up on a Monday morning for work so being what I called “normal” person tired is awesome.

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One thing I am very thankful for is having people around me who can keep me grounded and don’t let me get ahead of myself. I have always been someone who will try and do the long distance run before I can jog let alone walk so even though I may get grumpy at people holding me back I do appreciate it. Coach Dave at Scotland Lacrosse knows when to reign me in and make sure I just take it easy and ensures I just walk or rest when I perhaps am going full steam.

I have an excitement in my life just now something that I have not had in a long time. I look forward to being able to plan things in advance and not worry that I may need to cancel or not be well enough to attend. I am aware that there will still be times when my lungs just stop me from doing what I want but through this I have also learnt to appreciate life, not take it for granted and just live for the moment.

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Chronic Pain with Chronic Illness

I get my medication each week in a dosette box made up by my local pharmacist. I take so many medications that when I am not well I find it hard to work out what I have taken and what I still need to take. I now don’t need to think about what I take, I just pop them out the relevant space and swallow them down in one.

Today I noticed something though. There were 5 unopened pods from this last week. The 5 unopened pods were all my lunchtime doses of pain killers. I had not been aware of deliberately not taking them but because I was not aware of not taking them then that means I was not in pain and needing them.

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Chronic pain is one part of my health that I shunned for so long. I had always had this perception that I was weak because I was in pain and also was very aware that the Dr’s may think I was just attention seeking or drug seeking. I think I thought this because of the number of times I have seen and heard the conversations had when people come in to hospital with abdominal pain with no real cause and the suggestion of it being psychological or drug seeking.

For many years I lived with pain in my chest specifically the left side of my chest/lung. Part of me didnt want to acknowledge it and if I didnt then I would be ok but then it was harder and harder to function due to the pain I was experiencing. It was one hospital admission when I was in ICU and due to staffing I was being looked after by an ICU advanced nurse practitioner. I think her experience of being a nurse and seeing patients in pain she could tell what was real pain. I had not been asking for pain killers but she could see me wincing and struggling. It was only after she spoke to me about it that I finally admitted to the pain and feeling I had when I took a breath in, the pain was not nearly as bad when exhaling but felt like something rubbing and stabbing when I inhaled. It was from then I spoke up about it and we looked into what was causing the pain. From then I have reluctantly taken painkillers regularly.

Further investigation was done into the area of my chest where I had the worst pain. X-rays showed I had previously fractured some of the ribs- most likely occurring due to coughing and my slightly weaker bones but it didnt show anything major that would explain the sharp, rubbing pain I would get when breathing in but didnt hurt if you pressed on it. I had a CT scan which revealed why I was so sore. A lot of scarring in that part of my lung but also the pleura didnt look normal and the Dr thinks this is what is causing the pain and rubbing feeling. I have never really had a bad bout of pleurisy but the Dr said the way I was describing it the pain made them think it was pleuritic even though I didnt have the infection etc to go with it. I was told that the cause has most likely been due to the infection, trauma and recurrent asthma attacks over the years that have never really had much time to recover before the next thing hit.

Managing pain with a lung condition has really been a big struggle. Certain drugs are out of the question- non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs are a total no no and I learnt the hard way when I decided to try ibuprofen gel on my skin but had a full allergic reaction to it (I thought it was just if I took the pills). The aim with pain control is to eliminate pain and allow everyday function which is what I tried to achieve but have never been able to do. To get optimal pain control meant side effects which often meant feeling dopey. I got onto a regime using co-codamol and nefopam which helped although during the week I would use a lower dose of co-codamol due to it making me feel like my head was in the clouds but this meant by the end of the day I was in so much pain. It would feel like the outside of my lung was on fire- no matter how gentle you were you when you took a breath in the pain was the same. To control this part I had oral morphine that I could take at night before doing nebulisers and physio. I went with this regime for a few years until I saw a Dr who decided I should be switched to prolonged release morphine rather than the nefopam, co-codamol and oromorph mix. I was reluctant about this as had a handle on what I was doing and although the pain was never gone it was far more bearable.

The Dr who thought outside the box was a consultant who I had not seen before but was a respiratory consultant. He asked me about the pain and what it felt like, and also what was important to me about everyday function and that if I could I didnt want to be taking painkillers you can get addicted to! I was only 30 at the time and was already taking more painkillers than I liked and it was a worry for the future if I did something that needed pain relief I had this image that they would think I was a junkie because would need a higher dose of painkiller than I should. The Dr said his main concern was getting the pain under control for me to function and be relatively pain free but I should not be on prolonged release morphine etc due to it suppressing your respiratory effort which I can afford to do. I was so happy to know I wouldn’t be taking the MST anymore but a little worried about what I was going to be taking as could not go back to the pain I once had.

The Dr suggested lidocaine patches to wear topically on my chest where it hurts to see if this helped the main as he felt there is most likely nerve involvement and the whole area is constantly irritated which is why it is always sore. He did joke that you cant rest your lungs like you can a sore leg to let it get better!!

So a new regime of painkillers started which was the lidocaine patch, co-codamol 4 times a day and then the oromorph for when my chest is really bad (they also use it for breathlessness to). Since starting on this regime I have been stunned at how the patch has worked. It doesn’t take the pain away totally and the Dr said this is good as it means it will let you know when to stop!!!

Most recently since moving to my new consultant and being kept on the higher dose of prednisolone the pain in my chest has been no where near as bad. Instead of going through 2 bottles of oromorph a month I don’t even use a whole one and as I noticed last week I have not been needing my lunchtime dose of painkiller either. I am so happy about this. I have always had at the back of my mind I want to get off all painkillers so having a week of less pain and not needing the painkillers is great. When I see my consultant next I am going to ask if we can maybe just drop down on the dose of painkiller with a view to stopping them and just having the patch and maybe the oromorph for emergencies!

The lidocaine patch has been life changing- I do not understand how it works really but it works so I don’t care. I try not to wear them at the weekend to have a break and just keep them for work and weekends when I have lacrosse or something.

With each day that goes by just now I am in no doubt that I made the right decision to move consultant. If I didnt I am pretty sure I would have been in hospital by now. Staying on 20mg of prednisolone has got me through a chest infection without needing to increase the dose just a few extra nebulisers and antibiotics. Obviously 20mg of prednisolone long term is not good but I am hoping that as the mepolizumab starts working I will notice the difference and we can reduce the prednisolone!!

When is it going to start working??

One thing I have found since starting mepolizumab is I am constantly questioning myself and am almost preoccupied thinking about what results I may see and how my asthma will improve.

Its hard because with this drug unlike others there is no knowing when you will start getting the benefits and if you will get the benefits. If your chest is tight and you take some salbutamol your airways will relax and you can breath again without so much effort, or if you have a chest infection and given high dose prednisolone you notice the effects of it both positive and negative (I’m talking about the insomnia, restless legs, hunger) but with this I have no idea when I might start to feel better.

I track my peak flow and keep thinking I am seeing it trend upwards and wonder if this means the mepolizumab is working but then today I came crashing back down to earth. It was a bad night- up every hour, coughing, wheezing and getting more and more irritated with the noise coming from my chest. I knew before I blew my peak flow and it would not be good and I was right. It dropped- a whole 150l/min.

I know that just because of the mepolizumab I am not always going to have great peak flows and my chest will still have hissy fits but I guess what I am struggling with is knowing if my chest is just more stable (I have not been allowed to drop my steroids yet either) or its more stable because of the mepolizumab. Its a bit of a guessing game.

By the time I have my next injection in a few weeks I will have a lot more data and will have been able to capture a month of peak flows 3 times a day and will be able to get the average peak flow compared to previous months.

For now I guess I just need to watch this space!!

New drugs, new start?

I haven’t written in ages and I apologise for that but I really did not know what to write and how to write without getting myself angry and upset as I feel the last 8 years have just been a total waste.

I wrote a while back about changing consultant and hospital because I was really finding the relationship I previously had with my consultant was no more and my health was getting worse, I was getting put on more and more drugs and constantly riding a rollercoaster of feeling well and being on high dose steroids to feeling rubbish because my steroids were reduced.

So lots has happened since switching consultant. My first appointment I finally felt someone was going to do something to help. I was put forward by my consultant at their MDT meeting to see if another consultant would agree to me being a candidate for mepolizumab. Due to the cost of the drug you need meet certain criteria and have a second consultant agree to it. Thankfully another consultant agreed and the wheels were in motion for me to start.

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I didnt really know what to expect. Its not like other drugs you get by injection like any sickness or steroids where you notice a difference pretty quickly. This one it can take a few weeks before you notice positive effects from it but Im not sure what I will feel and what the positive effects will be. Will it be the nights are better and I won’t wake up so much needing meds or will my peak flow be increased or able to do more during the day with less symptoms??

Time will tell how it goes. For me because of the steroids I am on they are going to use my maintenance dose of steroid a marker for effect of the mepolizumab so if I can reduce this then we can move forward and continue on the mepolizumab but if I cant reduce them without my chest getting worse then I won’t stay on it and will be back to square one and trying to find something else to help me.

Speaking to the nurse they seem to have had really positive effects and not many people have had to stop. Also the side effects have not been too bad apparently. A bit of a headache and back pain seem to be the most common. My head has been killing me but it is easing off and if that is the only side effect I cant really complain because a headache is the least of my worries as the pain and suffering from my chest over all these years far out weighs a sore head!!!

There is deep seated feeling of anger in me which I need to get over but I just cant shake this feeling of having wasted my time with my old consultant. Everyone told me she was the best but I guess the best is not always what works and it really didn’t for me. I asked so often to try different things anything to try and get some stability even asked to stay on the higher dose of steroid as I knew this was what my lungs were happy with but it was always a no and just had to persevere and would get there. Clearly that didnt work as every attack I ended up in ICU or HDU and so much time off work. If it was not for understanding bosses I would be out a job and have no purpose or aim to try and get myself well. I am really angry that it took a horrible admission to hospital and me essentially getting so upset that I was getting no where and people asking me if I had tried x,y and z and all I could say was no and they look quizzically at me like I am mad because my asthma is so uncontrolled yet I have not even been considered to trial some of the more medications till now.

I need to keep myself grounded though. Even though the results of this drug in others has been fantastic I really don’t want to be disappointed and pin all my hopes on it to then be totally devastated that it doesn’t work or it doesn’t work well enough to justify keeping me on it. Even with the best results there can be from the mepolizumab my lung issues won’t totally be cured as the years of uncontrolled asthma have caused a lot of airway remodelling and scarring which cant be reversed.

Fingers crossed the next three months are full of good things and I can stay on the mepolizumab as I desperately want my life back or even just some of my life back where I don’t have to spend all the time I am not working resting to make sure I am then able to work the next day.

Will keep updating as I go and if I see effects from it.