I have a couple of posts lined up to be published after the past few weeks discussing my most recent hospital admission but this post I need to get down and off my chest before it eats me up and hampers my recovery.
I know that there will be people who read this post and won’t like it but at the end of the day this is my blog, my writings, my feelings so I will use it how I see fit. I have kept this blog for long enough without being told what I can and cannot post so am not going to start hiding now.
This last hospital admission was really tough and I am now terrified of my asthma especially when you are told by a respiratory registrar that the reason you needed to be going to ICU was to be near a ventilator as your asthma is so brittle and difficult to manage. Whats worse is they said this in front of my youngest brother who was up seeing me because I was really upset about how my asthma was and scared it was going to get worse.
I was discharged perhaps earlier than I would normally have been but I had a family dinner which was important for me to go to, to celebrate and have a really enjoyable evening. I am now partially regretting pushing to get out due to the way in which some of my brothers behaved towards me. I know they have never respected me and the dinner really highlighted just how much they don’t care for me in their family.
There have been various things going on in the family recently that have pretty much ripped it apart and I doubt it will be resolved but what happened the other night disgusted me and will disgust a lot of the asthma community and I am sure charities as well.
2 of my three brothers (there are 4 but one couldn’t make dinner) arrived stinking of smoke as they had been smoking before they came into the restaurant. I sat quietly and didnt say anything, just took my inhaler and stayed calm. After the first course they went out and came back in stinking of smoke again which really bothered me this time and I felt really wheezy and chesty- so more inhaler. They were going to go out again at which point my older sister said no to them to which they swore and really didnt care. I piped up and said I was just out of hospital and could they really not as didnt want to get bad again given I was already feeling chesty and pushing myself being out for dinner.
I was disgusted at their response which was they needed a fag because they had been working all day. I couldn’t believe it. They were justifying them “needing” a cigarette because they have been working and have no care for their sibling who last New Year was put in ICU because of second hand cigarette smoke and who has just come out of hospital having been in critical care. I am still so shocked that they think that little of me they could say that and then create a stink about it. They didnt even ask how I was which is how little they care, but then they are self absorbed and I guess to them my asthma doesn’t bother them so why should they care.
The bit that bothers me more than this is that one of the brothers that was not caring about inflicting his second hand smoke on me was the one who ran the London marathon raising money for Asthma UK. I just feel this is so hypocritical raising money for a charity which directly helps your sibling yet you are prepared to put them at risk to satisfy your own “want”. My youngest brother stuck up for me but then he has seen me at my worst and was there at the end of that last admission when I was feeling very scared and vulnerable. He was there to give me a hug (despite causing me to have an allergic reaction- more about that in another post) and comfort me until things settled down and he could leave me in the ward. I am so so thankful to him for being there and for trying to make the other boys at leasts to thinking of themselves and think about someone else. It is not like I was making a fuss about nothing- it was a legitimate reason as it could have had the potential to cause a lot of problems. If I did have an attack I don’t think I would have had the energy to fight it as I had just been fighting for the previous week.
I would never wish brittle asthma on anyone but right now I wish those 2 could experience an attack just to see how scary, frightening, exhausting it is when you can’t breathe and nothing you can do will make it better. I spend my life trying to avoid triggers and you would think those closest to you would understand and try and protect those who are not well and shield them from harm, but that night it felt like they really didnt care and were bringing harm straight to me. Maybe I should have just stayed quiet, had an attack and then they would have been the ones directly responsible.
The reason I am posting about this and going into the small detail about it is because I am so disgusted by their behaviour and want people to know. Its not ok to behave like this, it has left me more scared than before. What is the point of trying to change peoples attitudes to asthma when those closest to you don’t care.
I need to make some tough choices and really think about if putting myself at risk is worth it because I can’t see them changing their views. I can see now they will say they were drunk and it was coz of the drink but thats not a good enough excuse. I need to start being selfish and think of myself to keep myself well.
I can never thank my other brother enough for sticking up for me but i think it is a losing battle with them but I do appreciate the attempt.
You wouldn’t think you would need to protect yourself from your own family.