The uniform that saves me, is it drowning me at the same time?

Since my attack at the end of November/ December I have really struggled mentally and physically. The initial recovery was good, my lung function returned to my normal fairly quickly and my energy stores were up, I was able to get about and get on with my daily routine without much limitation. Reducing steroids was a bit hairy but with the help of my consultant and asthma nurses we managed to keep on top of things although the reduction has only got as far as 30mg but hey its better than 60mg.

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I was confident this speed of return was due to the new treatment I am on but now I am not sure. I think a lot of it probably was at a basic level. The treatment helped me get back to my baseline to function quickly but Im not sure it got me to the baseline for work. I was excited to get back to work but I wonder now if it was too quick and the timing didn’t help. Looking back now despite reduced hours apart from the first week I was never able to get away on time because there were patients who needed to be seen and I was the only one about. I already arrive 30 mins early for work (this is my choice) because I have worked out that this is when there are the least number of people smoking outside the doors mainly due to breakfast and drug round on the wards! Many say that I can get the ward to see the patients etc but being a patient and having had this done to be it breaks the patient nurse relationship and you lose confidence in them so for me it is not an option.

But i now need to put my own health first. I keep going round in circles with it and I love my job and love working with the patients etc but then I get my body into such a state and I often don’t realise it until I am told. Last week I noticed patients commenting on how awful I looked and should I be in work, the people I was in the lift with would ask if I was ok because I was so wheezy, the finally after spending a weekend in bed and thinking I felt better I went into work to be sent home by one of the other charge nurses because I felt so awful and sounded it.

Part of living with a chronic illness is that you don’t often know how bad you are feeling until your on your knees. I know a lot of patients have said the same that they didnt realise how unwell they were until we got them on a treatment and it is once they are established on this that they really see how unwell they were. I think is how I feel that things just decline slowly and it takes a huge attack or event to stop the downward spiral and start getting better again.

Going back to the title of this post. I love putting on my uniform, I worked hard to be able to get it and then be able to keep wearing it. It is also the uniform the nurses who look after me wear as they get me back on my feet and my lungs working a bit better. But then I also wonder if my drive and love of work is also what is causing me to not get to my full potential of wellness. I am really torn with what I should be doing and need to stop and evaluate what is important to me and what is in my best interests.

I have an appointment with my consultant this afternoon where I am going to ask his opinion as I really cant continue as I am. I am back to the point of living to work and that is it. I love my job but need to have more to life than work.

I wish my lungs felt as good as these ones do!!!!

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Women in Sport Week

The week past was Women in Sport Week. It is a great week to really shout about all the great things that women in sport are doing- the likes of Jessica Ennis Hill who has now announced her retirement from sport. You have Nicola Adams and her success at the Olympics. Women in Sport have a much bigger role now than there ever did before. There is still a huge inequality which can be seen in the likes of football where male footballers earn huge sums whereas women need to work while playing football at the same level because there is not the money in women sport like there is in mens. Slowly but surely the tide is changing and hopefully there will be a level playing field at some stage but just now we just need to continue celebrating the things women do do.

So that brings me on to Lacrosse. I was totally overwhelmed, proud, shocked, speechless when Lacrosse Scotland featured me for day one of women in sport week. This is what was posted:

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Our #womeninsportweek feature of the day goes to Edinburgh native @just_tux, the Lacrosse Scotland Development Director and Senior Squad assistant manager, for her continued support of our team and devotion to women’s sport!
In addition to her work as the Lacrosse Scotland development director, Ollie works with the Asthma UK Centre for Applied Research. As a member of the patient and public involvement team, Ollie works to share her experiences living with brittle asthma among researchers and other patients so they too can take control and live full and active

This was totally unexpected but I am really proud of it and it has given me a boost to just keep doing what I am doing. But later in the week more was to follow. I saw the European Lacrosse Federation also featured me on day three of Women in Sport week. I was really stunned as other features previously were whole teams not just one person. I am really touched and honoured for them to have recognised what I have been doing and if this can put Lacrosse on the map more but also how devastating asthma can be but also the opportunities that asthma can give you!


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Thank you to everyone who has supported me and helped me to get to where I am.