Cold to chest infection to….

Getting a cold to many is an inconvenience. To a severe asthmatic getting a cold fills you with dread because generally our lungs are fantastic hosts to cold bugs leaving us with rip roaring chest infections.

During the winter months you cant avoid the common cold, well you could but that would mean you become a hermit and prisoner in your own home. Im not going to do that. I like being out and about too much.

The last two weeks have been pretty hard work. I picked up a common cold which filled me with dread. I think it filled my mum with dread as well especially as she was going away and this is the first time I have picked anything since that last horrific attack.

As with most asthmatics despite my best efforts it went to my chest. I had a great chest infection with an impressive cough that drove me round the bend. Even Ghillie was getting irritated with my constant coughing.

I wish I could say I dealt with this infection well but it has filled me with anxiety and I have not managed it as well as perhaps I may have in the past. I knew the first bout of illness post last attack was going to be hard. I had a fear that I would end up on that slippery slope back down to needing a ventilator. Extreme I know but could potentially be a possibility.

Thankfully staying in touch with my team I was able to keep it at bay and not get too bad. My peak flow has dropped significantly but the antibiotics and increase in steroids have helped bring it back up along with a lot of i still have this irrational fear that really hits me at night that my infection may not be better and I am missing something. Morning comes round and I think I am so silly for getting in such a state about it.

I have been doing less than I would normally do while I have had the infection. Mainly because I have been terrified of making my chest kick off. It has been a strange time because I thought I would be able to write some blog posts, do some other research stuff but I just have not had the imagination or concentration (lack of concentration is something I have been struggling a lot with post ICU).

I am also very happy that I have had my flu jab so my chances of getting flu are reduced. I would urge everyone to get it that can get it!

The good thing is, the infection is clearing well and my asthma has not kicked off too much. Ghillie of course has been very attentive and by my side all the time!

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Recovery- its not easy and so frustrating!!

One thing I have become very aware of is how we adapt to recovery in different ways. This last hospital admission has really highlighted that to me as recovery has been far from straight forward and a totally new experience for me- even after getting my knee operated on was easier than this.

Previously when discharged from hospital  including critical care admission I have been focused on rehabbing my lungs and getting myself back to my baseline so I can get back to work and back to doing the things (I know there will be many reading this laughing saying I run back to do all sorts before I am ready and need to take more time- my family mostly).

The physical insults on my body as a result of a severe asthma attack are normal. The dot to dot of bruises were there have been attempts at bloods being taken, injections, arterial stabs and then of course the cannulation attempts and the effects of keeping that cannula in for 10 days (7 days longer than meant to but it still worked so it was staying put) because despite the burning while the potassium, magnesium, salbutamol or aminophylline going through it still worked and you could take a decent rate of fluid going through it, but these all fade. The battle wounds disappear not long after getting home. They cause no real pain and do not last (except a few scars but you don’t notice them).

This time it feels like everything has been flipped on its head. The physical insult is still with me and will no doubt be with me for months and as many people have told me it is likely to be a painful recovery. This is a totally new experience for me. The physical insult is still visible as well. My leg is black and blue which seems to be getting better now but it is taking its sorry time. This is the only outward sign from my last admission.

To look on the positive side of having a foot which I have no feeling or sensation in, a leg that has this burning nerve pain that sears through it any time I move has meant I have been resting….ALOT. I have been confined to sitting or lying as much as possible. This has been fantastic for my lungs and post hospital lethargy. My mum commented how much my lungs have recovered from this admission but it did not escape her that i have had an enforced rest due to my leg being in such a state.

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It has really broken me not being able to just bounce back, even being able to just get back and have independence. When you are unwell in hospital it is ok to ask for help for things like getting about, up to the toilet or even help with a wash but once home these are tasks I feel I should be able to do without thinking. If I need to get something I now need to think about it:

  • what am I getting up for
  • do I have my leg brace/ splint on
  • is my stick near by
  • what else do I need to do while I am up so i can limit the pain that is induced by moving

Mentally having to think about everything you do it tiring. Small things like going for a walk are exhausting. I have to concentrate so hard paying attention to what the ground it like I am walking on, where I am putting my foot and if there is a handrail or something else to hold on to while going up or down a slope or stairs.

I know I need to be really thankful I am alive and able to be at home etc but it is so hard some days watching the world go by, friends moving up the career ladder, going on wonderful holidays, starting families and I see myself going backwards. I have less and less freedom, reliant on so many people, yet back away from so many people because who wants to be around a 33 year old who cant even look after themselves properly and do the things that every other 33 year olds do.

But I have a lot of things to be positive about and have ideas in the pipeline about how to improve my life, get myself back on track and really do some work to try and get more people to understand asthma and all that goes with it. I never thought asthma could do what it does. It is all the secondary impacts it has on your life that are not spoken about and are not known.

I need to keep finding the positive each day and go to bed knowing I have done something productive with my day even if I have not gone outside or interacted with anyone.

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While I breathe I hope.