Making tough decisions

I was so happy and excited when my Mum said we were going to be going skiing in January. (I have not skied in over 6 years now. Once my life, I ski raced, I did race training and was on the slopes whenever I could. I moved to Canada to pursue my dream career). I forgot all about my leg and the small issue I have with walking. I was so excited at the prospect of getting back on the snow back doing what I love.

Then it hit me.

I have a leg that doesn’t work properly. How the hell am I going to be able to ski?

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(last time skiing in Les Saisies having the time of my life)

Being me I was determined my leg was not going to stop me. I went straight onto the internet and was looking up the Ecole de Ski Francais to find out about para skiing. Still excited about the prospect of being on snow again.

Then first frost hits and I find the icy conditions a major challenge with my leg. Walking is even harder than it previously was. I had a few bad falls which mostly bruised my ego as I felt so embarrassed being a young person falling over doing the simple task of walking. Combined with this I had a bad chest infection which hit me hard mainly mentally rather than physically.

It hit me mentally as it brought back memories of that last bad attack and how hard it was on me and my family. I started to have all of these what if scenarios. What if….

  • I have a bad attack out in France and I end up in the same state again.
  • I have a fall skiing and it causes me a chest injury compromising my breathing
  • I have a fall skiing or someone skies into me and I don’t realise my leg is badly damaged
  • I get unwell out there
  • I get stuck going into the village and cant get myself back
  • I end up hating skiing because I cant do what I used to as skiing was my life
  • I get jealous of all the others out skiing all the runs I should be skiing but Im not because I am having to rely on other people to get me about

I just had all these what ifs. Some of them really trivial things and some of them more serious.

It took me a long time but I decided I really cannot risk going out to France in the state my body is in right now. I am not going to be going out with my family and instead staying here at home.

Im not sure what had hit me harder the fact that I am not going away with my family or that I have myself accepted that I cant do something and have backed down. I normally always try and find a way around my limitations find a different way of doing things or through pure stubbornness just get on with things. I feel weaker now. I feel like I don’t have the energy to fight myself to find those routes I used to. It scares me that I am in this position now.

I am going away up north for Christmas looking forward to getting away and recharging, taking stock of everything and making a plan for the future as life really has changed a lot.

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(Skiing with my Uncle Rob in the back bowls of Whistler. Enjoying life. This was the last time I skied. It was about 6 years ago).

Neurophysiotherapy

If you asked me 4 months ago if I would be under neurology I would have laughed. Through my illness and all my sports I have never needed any neurology input or intensive physio input like I am getting just now.

This physio is so tough and really hard work. Physio previously has been hard work particularly when coming back from injury in sport. There would be a lot of hours put in doing exercises to strength the muscles surrounding the injury and then stabilising the injury and building up from that but this is so different.

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(the gym in the neuro physiotherapy department)

I have had a wide variety of injuries over the years requiring physio input and more often than not it is a 8-12 week recovery. Naively I went in to my first physio appointment thinking that it would be 12 weeks max and I would be back to where I was before. It really didnt sink in until the 2nd physio session that I would be in this for the long haul.

The second physio session I just broke down. It was out of frustration. I was given homework to try and stimulate feeling and sensation in my leg using different textures. I was running through what I had to do when I asked when will the feeling come back. That question is like asking how long is a piece of string. There is no answer. It is doubtful that all the feeling will come back or even if any feeling will come back. When I heard this I just broke down. I was already on the edge when I was going over my home work with the physio as I knew I should be able to feel the glove, towel, and velcro on my skin but I couldn’t. I felt so strange because I know what I should be feeling but I just couldn’t feel it. Im young. Im supposed to be able to feel my leg.

I have managed to balance myself out and know that this is not going to be a quick fix but I am also aware that there might not be a fix. My physio sessions focus on what I can do and how I can get back to being as independent as possible. A lot of the work is making my knee and hip more aware of what my leg is doing rather than my foot doing it because well I cant feel my foot!

It is really hard work. Harder work than I ever thought it would be. I mentally need to keep my head in the game and stay focussed no matter how tough it gets I need to get my independence back and being able to walk semi normally!

I am so grateful for the neurology input and neurology physio I am getting as I know others who have waited a lot longer than I have. I am still waiting for various tests on my nerves which will come in due course.

Struggling to stay positive

After being seen in neurology I felt kind of positive. I was excited because I was going to be part of a trial for the type of nerve injury I have. I have just received the clinic letter which is eye opening and reading the findings just makes it feel so much more complex. It has also left me feeling really vulnerable and weak. Before I used to get frustrated by people who would stick there nose in if I parked in a disabled parking space because of course you cant see how asthma effects you there is nothing that flags you out as different but now walking with a stick, walking with a big deficit and only being able to wear one pair of shoes that my brace fits in is so visible. I can also feel the pity people have. While in the near waiting room I overheard the people sitting opposite me saying it is so sad when young people have to come in to clinics with such struggles while looking at me with that smile and head tilt. I would right now give anything to go back to just being frustrated by people who like to make judgements.

The most disappointing part of the clinic letter is that I am not suitable for the trial because I have 2 different nerve things going on. If I only had the nerve injury then I would be ok but because of the muscle weakness I have I can no longer be a participant. I have been referred to the neurophysiotherapy team to get them to help me and I also need to go for various tests on my nerves such as nerve conductions studies and EMG done.

The hard part that I find is that this is all so out of my control. Before when I have been unwell it has been my asthma. To be fair I know pretty much all there is to know about asthma or at least my type of asthma so when unwell I can kind of deal with it as I understand what is going on so know how it might pan out. With this I am totally in the dark with it. Nothing is within my control now. I just have to let my nerves heal and do the physio when I am seen. I see the musculoskeletal physio that my GP referred me to tomorrow morning but I’m not sure if I will continue staying there because of the referral to the neuro physio too. I figured I just need to get started and get on the road to recover as best as possible as I cant stay where I am with the brace/splint and wearing trainers out like there is no tomorrow!

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Recovery- its not easy and so frustrating!!

One thing I have become very aware of is how we adapt to recovery in different ways. This last hospital admission has really highlighted that to me as recovery has been far from straight forward and a totally new experience for me- even after getting my knee operated on was easier than this.

Previously when discharged from hospital  including critical care admission I have been focused on rehabbing my lungs and getting myself back to my baseline so I can get back to work and back to doing the things (I know there will be many reading this laughing saying I run back to do all sorts before I am ready and need to take more time- my family mostly).

The physical insults on my body as a result of a severe asthma attack are normal. The dot to dot of bruises were there have been attempts at bloods being taken, injections, arterial stabs and then of course the cannulation attempts and the effects of keeping that cannula in for 10 days (7 days longer than meant to but it still worked so it was staying put) because despite the burning while the potassium, magnesium, salbutamol or aminophylline going through it still worked and you could take a decent rate of fluid going through it, but these all fade. The battle wounds disappear not long after getting home. They cause no real pain and do not last (except a few scars but you don’t notice them).

This time it feels like everything has been flipped on its head. The physical insult is still with me and will no doubt be with me for months and as many people have told me it is likely to be a painful recovery. This is a totally new experience for me. The physical insult is still visible as well. My leg is black and blue which seems to be getting better now but it is taking its sorry time. This is the only outward sign from my last admission.

To look on the positive side of having a foot which I have no feeling or sensation in, a leg that has this burning nerve pain that sears through it any time I move has meant I have been resting….ALOT. I have been confined to sitting or lying as much as possible. This has been fantastic for my lungs and post hospital lethargy. My mum commented how much my lungs have recovered from this admission but it did not escape her that i have had an enforced rest due to my leg being in such a state.

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It has really broken me not being able to just bounce back, even being able to just get back and have independence. When you are unwell in hospital it is ok to ask for help for things like getting about, up to the toilet or even help with a wash but once home these are tasks I feel I should be able to do without thinking. If I need to get something I now need to think about it:

  • what am I getting up for
  • do I have my leg brace/ splint on
  • is my stick near by
  • what else do I need to do while I am up so i can limit the pain that is induced by moving

Mentally having to think about everything you do it tiring. Small things like going for a walk are exhausting. I have to concentrate so hard paying attention to what the ground it like I am walking on, where I am putting my foot and if there is a handrail or something else to hold on to while going up or down a slope or stairs.

I know I need to be really thankful I am alive and able to be at home etc but it is so hard some days watching the world go by, friends moving up the career ladder, going on wonderful holidays, starting families and I see myself going backwards. I have less and less freedom, reliant on so many people, yet back away from so many people because who wants to be around a 33 year old who cant even look after themselves properly and do the things that every other 33 year olds do.

But I have a lot of things to be positive about and have ideas in the pipeline about how to improve my life, get myself back on track and really do some work to try and get more people to understand asthma and all that goes with it. I never thought asthma could do what it does. It is all the secondary impacts it has on your life that are not spoken about and are not known.

I need to keep finding the positive each day and go to bed knowing I have done something productive with my day even if I have not gone outside or interacted with anyone.

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While I breathe I hope.