Making tough decisions

I was so happy and excited when my Mum said we were going to be going skiing in January. (I have not skied in over 6 years now. Once my life, I ski raced, I did race training and was on the slopes whenever I could. I moved to Canada to pursue my dream career). I forgot all about my leg and the small issue I have with walking. I was so excited at the prospect of getting back on the snow back doing what I love.

Then it hit me.

I have a leg that doesn’t work properly. How the hell am I going to be able to ski?

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(last time skiing in Les Saisies having the time of my life)

Being me I was determined my leg was not going to stop me. I went straight onto the internet and was looking up the Ecole de Ski Francais to find out about para skiing. Still excited about the prospect of being on snow again.

Then first frost hits and I find the icy conditions a major challenge with my leg. Walking is even harder than it previously was. I had a few bad falls which mostly bruised my ego as I felt so embarrassed being a young person falling over doing the simple task of walking. Combined with this I had a bad chest infection which hit me hard mainly mentally rather than physically.

It hit me mentally as it brought back memories of that last bad attack and how hard it was on me and my family. I started to have all of these what if scenarios. What if….

  • I have a bad attack out in France and I end up in the same state again.
  • I have a fall skiing and it causes me a chest injury compromising my breathing
  • I have a fall skiing or someone skies into me and I don’t realise my leg is badly damaged
  • I get unwell out there
  • I get stuck going into the village and cant get myself back
  • I end up hating skiing because I cant do what I used to as skiing was my life
  • I get jealous of all the others out skiing all the runs I should be skiing but Im not because I am having to rely on other people to get me about

I just had all these what ifs. Some of them really trivial things and some of them more serious.

It took me a long time but I decided I really cannot risk going out to France in the state my body is in right now. I am not going to be going out with my family and instead staying here at home.

Im not sure what had hit me harder the fact that I am not going away with my family or that I have myself accepted that I cant do something and have backed down. I normally always try and find a way around my limitations find a different way of doing things or through pure stubbornness just get on with things. I feel weaker now. I feel like I don’t have the energy to fight myself to find those routes I used to. It scares me that I am in this position now.

I am going away up north for Christmas looking forward to getting away and recharging, taking stock of everything and making a plan for the future as life really has changed a lot.

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(Skiing with my Uncle Rob in the back bowls of Whistler. Enjoying life. This was the last time I skied. It was about 6 years ago).

long time no writing but now an explanation.

The last week or so has been one which has been great meeting new people but also one of the toughest weeks of my rather short career. The blog post following this will be why I have had the chance to meet and make new friends, as well as have a great experience doing something I love. However this was all marred by some news I received that no one ever wants to receive especially when you are a nurse.

Essentially someone has a some reason to hate me and I’m not sure why I have been the target of the hatred but over the last year I would say it has caused me a huge number of issues. I never thought someone could stoop so low as to write to my health board reporting me for allegedly doing something I shouldn’t (I am not putting the exact details here as I have taken this matter to the police). But I hadn’t thing to fear as I knew I had done no wrong and not done what I had been accused of but it has been extremely hurtful leaving me questioning everything I do.

 

Having brittle asthma I find I can become very isolated when I don’t feel well. I find. I don’t want to go out a much through sheer exhaustion and fear of having an attack and being stuck. Keeping this blog helps but also the online community of support is something you rely on but over recent times I have not been able to use this so much for my own support because of the fear that the person is using a fake account and seeing what I am posting and because of their actions over the past I really don’t want them knowing anything about me or what is going on. It is bad enough that we both have the same consultant and team but I want to limit the risk of having any contact with this person. It has got to the point I am considering changing consultant which is something I really don’t want because my current one who I have had and known for years now has helped me so much that losing that would be a step back as I’m sure I would never find someone as good and who I would have as good a relationship with.

I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder and second guessing myself. It is the worst thing imaginable. It has made me question where I am living, working and also the voluntary stuff I do with both Asthma UK and the Asthma UK Centre for Applied Research. I love my job, and the things I do outside of work but the fact that someone is prepared to try and jeopardise that is disgusting.

I am so greatful to my boss for making me aware of what has happened but at the same time I wish I didn’t know. One minute I’m glad I know as I can take things forward and put a stop to everything once and for all but other times I just want to crawl under a rock and pretend it’s not happening. I really wish I could put it out my mind and forget it is happening. There are times when I forget about it but then the long hours in the night when I can’t sleep I end up turning things over and over in my mind and possible things further than could happen or they could try and do to me.

The stress is really not good. I have had to increase my oral steroids because I just can’t settle my chest and I have so much on just now. Things with my asthma were going not to bad but now it feels like a bit of a slippy slope down hill. I feel like I just can’t hold on to it all just now. ¬†Hopefully soon it will be over and I can be left to just do what I have been and go back to enjoying life again.