The last week or so has been one which has been great meeting new people but also one of the toughest weeks of my rather short career. The blog post following this will be why I have had the chance to meet and make new friends, as well as have a great experience doing something I love. However this was all marred by some news I received that no one ever wants to receive especially when you are a nurse.
Essentially someone has a some reason to hate me and I’m not sure why I have been the target of the hatred but over the last year I would say it has caused me a huge number of issues. I never thought someone could stoop so low as to write to my health board reporting me for allegedly doing something I shouldn’t (I am not putting the exact details here as I have taken this matter to the police). But I hadn’t thing to fear as I knew I had done no wrong and not done what I had been accused of but it has been extremely hurtful leaving me questioning everything I do.
Having brittle asthma I find I can become very isolated when I don’t feel well. I find. I don’t want to go out a much through sheer exhaustion and fear of having an attack and being stuck. Keeping this blog helps but also the online community of support is something you rely on but over recent times I have not been able to use this so much for my own support because of the fear that the person is using a fake account and seeing what I am posting and because of their actions over the past I really don’t want them knowing anything about me or what is going on. It is bad enough that we both have the same consultant and team but I want to limit the risk of having any contact with this person. It has got to the point I am considering changing consultant which is something I really don’t want because my current one who I have had and known for years now has helped me so much that losing that would be a step back as I’m sure I would never find someone as good and who I would have as good a relationship with.
I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder and second guessing myself. It is the worst thing imaginable. It has made me question where I am living, working and also the voluntary stuff I do with both Asthma UK and the Asthma UK Centre for Applied Research. I love my job, and the things I do outside of work but the fact that someone is prepared to try and jeopardise that is disgusting.
I am so greatful to my boss for making me aware of what has happened but at the same time I wish I didn’t know. One minute I’m glad I know as I can take things forward and put a stop to everything once and for all but other times I just want to crawl under a rock and pretend it’s not happening. I really wish I could put it out my mind and forget it is happening. There are times when I forget about it but then the long hours in the night when I can’t sleep I end up turning things over and over in my mind and possible things further than could happen or they could try and do to me.
The stress is really not good. I have had to increase my oral steroids because I just can’t settle my chest and I have so much on just now. Things with my asthma were going not to bad but now it feels like a bit of a slippy slope down hill. I feel like I just can’t hold on to it all just now. Hopefully soon it will be over and I can be left to just do what I have been and go back to enjoying life again.