Its ok to cry

I hate crying. In fact Im not sure anyone would say they like to cry. It is an emotion relating to sadness and distress so one we never want to experience if possible (There is the odd occasion that laughter renders us crying in which case it’s not so bad).

I am not much of a crier and it takes a lot to make me cry. Giving up my job really left me pretty low but I didnt ever cry about it. I was upset and close to tears but never actually cried. I am the same in clinic appointments I get upset but never shed a tear.

The few last weeks I have found really tough. I have cried a lot which is when I realised just how tough I was finding dealing with my health just now. The first time I cried was with my physio when she said that the feeling probably wouldn’t come back in my leg but the work we did would help my knee to compensate and it would learn to feel what my foot is not. Things like walking will be easier as my knee learns to recognise the impact when walking etc. I just couldn’t help but cry.

My leg has been the cause for me crying more in the recent weeks than anything else has. I was speaking to my mum briefly about stuff and she has been helping me apply for ESA too. I almost ended up in tears and after she left I ended up in a lot of tears. For years I have dealt with my asthma and it has upset me but not left me in the turmoil that my leg has. I know more about asthma that most of the professionals do, what I don’t know about asthma is probably not worth knowing, but my leg I have no clue what is going on and no one can give me an answer about what is wrong with it or how long it will go on for. All anyone has said is that the feeling most likely will not come back as there has been no improvement in sensation so far.

I am trying to stay positive about it and also trying to learn to adapt and be as independent as possible. I don’t want to sit and wait for this one day to suddenly get better which would be great but if it doesn’t get better then at least I am able to be ok for myself and make the most out of my physio sessions.

What I wish I could do is to let my emotions out more. I felt a sense of relief after crying and letting it all out. I always thought this blog was my way of coping and making sense of everything that goes on with my health. I have some posts which I write that are kept secret which I want to be just for me so I can get it out but not for the public. The posts are not really constructive and more a jumble of my thoughts- or a more jumbled version of my thoughts.

Particularly in the UK we like to have that stiff upper lip and not show our emotions but this is not good for us. We need to show emotion otherwise we eat ourself up inside. It is not weakness so shed a tear. Particularly when we are living with chronic illness that in turn causes other conditions it is hard work. Life without illness is hard work, illness just adds to that work and it is work we cant leave in the office. It comes with us everyday, every night there is no relenting.

It is ok to cry wether it is publicly or privately you are not weak for crying. It can be cathartic and actually help unload some of the stress we feel which in turn can potentially mean our conditions can become easier to manage especially if stress if a trigger to cause conditions to flare up.

 

Understanding how stress can really impact on you physically.

One of the triggers for my asthma is stress. I often feel that I just jump from one stressful situation to the next no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I previously thought i was really weak because stress could have such an effect on my physical health. There are still so many days where I won’t accept that stress could be what is contributing to my feeling rubbish and my asthma being so unstable. Slowly I am changing my way of thinking and actually seeing that the more I fight against the idea that stress is making my asthma bad the more stressed I am actually getting as I am trying to find some other cause. Stress is not the only trigger for my asthma but it is one of them.

One of the real benefits I have found from going back to my old consultant is that she knows me really well and she can tell if I am stressed etc and will tell me straight up what she thinks. Even if I try to convince her otherwise I must admit she is right. She sent me to see a psychologist which once again I tried convince her I was ok and didnt need to go but I am glad I went. It helps to get different tools to use in everyday life to minimise the physical effects stress can have.

Over the past while I have been really struggling with all aspects of life I guess in a way things just got on top of me. I think mainly because you do something to help someone and basically you get kicked for it leaving me thinking I made the worse decision in my life. I kept these thoughts to myself and it really did eat me up inside until a really small incident happened which was the straw that broke the camels back. I had a very long chat with my step brother and sister and law and did a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion I need to look out for myself and do what is best for me in doing this others may get hurt but I am getting hurt and not only mentally but it is having a bad effect on my asthma. It infuriates me when someone who is meant to be someone you trust and is family but can screw so many people just for their own gain. I need to do what is in my best interest so after a lot of thinking and writing various letters to work how best to say what I need to.

I have noticed a difference this week as I feel so much better and I think its because I don’t have this weight and regret on me anymore. I have been sleeping so much better, been able to play softball with my team  as well as going out for dinner after the match. I was also able to play golf after work a few times too. Being able to do this things have boosted me and I have been able to forget about my worries. I hope the situation sorts out and if it doesn’t I know I have done what I need to to alleviate my stress.

Now I am looking forward to more good health and enjoy the summer!

The summer weathers here but no everyones happy!!!

Normally when the sun comes out everyone is rejoicing but there is that small group of people who really do not like it. I guess Im sort of one of them. I love the summer. It means I can wear my shorts and enjoy the long summer nights but with that comes the suffocating feeling of the heat and humidity.

For the past few days it has felt like the air is really thick and that I have been wearing a compression vest squeezing my chest. Im not wearing any vest it is just my lungs reacting to this new weather that we are having just now. I noticed this most yesterday. I was staying up in Crail overnight which is on the east coast of Scotland. The sea air was refreshing and breathing was easy however as I drive inland and home I found my chest felt tighter and tighter and it was due to this warm weather. There is sense in the old wives tail that sea air is good for a bad chest. I should retreat there for the summer months.

I checked the weather forecast earlier and I really wish I hadn’t. there is thunder and lightening forecast and this fills me with fear. Last time we had similar weather followed by thunder and lightening I ended up in the high dependancy unit having suffered a really bad asthma attack. It was brought on by changes in the air pressure. I was terrified during this attack and unusually I remembered most of it. Inparticular I recall one of the nurses who I know really well sitting with me all night because I was so scared and just couldn’t get my breathe and not getting much relief from medication. I can never thank that nurse enough.

This apprehension I don’t think is helping my chest much at all. I have taken an extra nebuliser tonight to try and get some extra relief and I have my fan on to circulate the air and make it a bit cooler in my room to sleep. I am hoping things will be ok and all this worry will be for nothing.

In other news I am still having a bit of a hard time dealing with not being able to play golf how I want and having to miss things. Its getting to me a lot as many are starting to comment about how I am not the person I used to be. This is quite a complex topic so I will save it for another post.

I hope everyone else with twitchy airways is doing ok tonight and not effected to badly by the humidity. I do hope that if we get the thunder and lightening then the air is clearer afterwards.