Preparing

This past week has left me dwelling on a lot of different issues. So many different things happened this week all culminating in me really questioning my future. Each of the different events all happened and occurred separately and all from different aspects of life.

The start of the week/ end of the previous week it was a close friends birthday who died of an asthma attack. We had often talked about how asthma can kill and people do die everyday from asthma. The last thing I was expecting and am sure she was that either of us were going to be killed by an asthma attack. Remembering her made me really question my own mortality and questioning wether or not asthma will kill me and if I will not be able to survive those life threatening attacks that I do suffer from. there have been a few occasions where I know I have balanced on the knife edge. I have had consultants say to me it has been close and to keep fighting. It is a harrowing experience when this happens and then remembering it and reliving the events.

This week I also had a multi disciplinary team meeting where my anticipatory care plan has been put into place and final details set. Previously I was only allowed three nebulisers back to back at home then call 999 but I now have no limit on the number I can have. This is planned to keep me out of hospital more. I will now only go when I feel I need IVs to break the attack. I have been warned that if I abuse this then I put my life at risk and lose the respect and trust of my consultant and the rest of my medical team. He said that if I abused this I could kill myself. Another comment about death.

Finally my Dad sent me my will to update. I last wrote a will a little after I left school. It has not been updated since 2005. 10 years. A lot has changed. Putting my thoughts into my will again have left me questioning how much impact asthma has on my life. It is always there front and centre. I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. I have a reminder round my neck everyday and in my pocket, around my house everywhere. Round my neck because it is my medic alert dog tags and in my pocket and everywhere else is inhalers, tablets, nebulisers. A constant reminder I cannot live my life without help to keep my lungs open. Its a really weird thought knowing that if you were deprived your inhaler there is a really high chance of death.

Its a pretty morbid post but it is the reality of how I am feeling just now. I have another really good friend who I know is always on the end of the phone (when she has battery) for me who has been taken into hospital really unwell with her lungs and was ventilated. She is now off the vent but it is still really scary knowing this could all happen to me. I shall and be more positive with my next post.