All consuming

What do you do when everything you hate in life is everywhere you go??

This is what my asthma feels like just now. It doesn’t even leave me alone when Im asleep. I get woken up coughing, wheezing and gasping for breath. When Im awake its the same. I try to blank the tight feeling in my chest, or the low whistle that seems stuck in my head but it is ever present in my chest just now. When you have a bad day you can run away, hide in a darkened room and leave your fears and stresses behind but as I run into a darkened room my fears and stresses follow me and sit right next door to me. I just can’t get away from it.

Many ask me why I get involved in the research centre so much if my asthma bothers me so much but that is exactly why I get involved with AUKCAR so much because for asthma is everywhere and if I can use my experience to the benefit of research and others then fewer will have to suffer a life dictated by asthma.

Even if I was not putting my experience to good use I would still be all consumed by it as I can’t get away from it. If not away from the asthma then I still have the side effects of the medication used to control my chest. It is just never ending. One wish I would really like just now to to get away from it. But even that can’t be done. I often think if I do nothing then i won’t feel the effects of shortness of breath or being wheezy but even when doing nothing I find I need to reach for my inhaler or get woken up needing relief. It feels like my lungs hate me as much as I hate them.

I am on the count down to seeing my consultant on Monday. I am filled with apprehension, excitement, nervousness, and a slight bit of fear. I guess I want so much to change and hope for something to change but am very scared that there will be no change.