Although not publishing posts just now 23rd May I need to still write to stop myself overthinking all my thoughts and beating myself over them.
I go back to my previous consultant again at the beginning of June and with this I feel I am pinning all my hopes on her and on this appointment. Just now I am really struggling to adapt to not being able to do as much and do what I want to do and know I need to do.
I need to get myself physically fitter to be able to manage my asthma better but find I just exacerbate it when trying to get myself better. I desperately want to get more control back. It is a limbo I feel just now of not having control of my health but then I don’t know what to do to get control and I think this is why I have pinned so much on this appointment I have.
The summer is now here and the golf season is in full swing but I am just not able to play how I want to and as much as I want to. I have pulled out my golf team and find I am just pulling out of more and more things. It is not because I want to but more due to fear and it is not fear of getting ill but it is fear of missing work. I cannot afford to miss anymore work as I am terrified about losing my job and I really don want to. I think due to this fear I don’t want to do anything that may provoke an asthma attack and risk having more time off work.
I could never imagine not working but for some reason that prospect is very real unless something can change. Part of me knows I should not pin so many hopes on an appointment but I am and I can’t help it.
Not only do I have an appointment with my old consultant coming up but I also have an appointment with the psychologist to see if I can get some ways of dealing with the limitations and frustrations I am having with my asthma. It is frustration that is the biggest thing I can’t deal with. With everything in my life if something is broken then there is a way to fix it like a bad golf round practice will help improve this but no matter what I try I am not able to fix my asthma just now.
Just now is probably the lowest I have felt with my asthma. The lowest in the last 11 years of dealing with it. I don’t know what to do for the best just now.
Tonight for the first time in a long time I am going out. It is the Volunteers Dinner for Lacrosse Scotland. I didnt want to go initially but now I am and I am looking forward to it but worried about it. Will see how it goes with some rest I am sure I will enjoy it! It is just hard when you can’t predict when you will have an attack when there are so many different things which set it off.
Maybe there will be some magic potion or something I will get at this clinic appointment!