Sometimes the little things people do in life are those that make the biggest impact. I am writing this post now in May even though I am having a break from my blog until I next see my consultant. I won’t be publishing it now as I write it but writing is therapeutic and this evening after today I felt I wanted to write even if I don’t share it straight away.
Written 21st May.
Over the last few days I have found myself feeling really down and it is mainly due to the restrictions my asthma is having on me just now. In times gone by I would be able to push through and then suffer afterwards (not something I recommend and I have learnt) but now it feels like I don’t even have the reserve to push through. This really came to a head when I had to NR in a golf round last night. When I had a high handicap I used to NR all the time as I really didnt mind about my handicap but now that I am much lower and playing more competitivly I really begrudge having to record a No Return as it is a valuable 0.1 I am adding to my handicap when I am trying hard to bring it down. Last night was such a nice evening I wanted to walk so I did. My course is pretty hilly to start with and after the first hole my lungs were burning and I was gasping for breath but I held it together. I found I had to take as big a breath in as possible hold it play my shot and then breathe again. Needless to say this did not work well and by the 5th hole I was on my knees. I persevered for 2 more holes but had to stop. I knew when I hit 2 fresh air shots in a row I was not in a good place and had to stop playing. I did recover myself but I know had I taken a buggy I would have been ok. I was kicking myself and beat myself up about it all night and into much of today.
But today I met up with 2 people who have really helped and I doubt they even know. In the morning I had coffee with our PPI lead at AUKCAR just to have a catch up and chat about what else is going on. The great thing is that I feel she understands the frustration and restriction asthma can have. We had a brief chat about what was going on with me and then moved on. It was nice to speak to someone who doesn’t judge and can understand where I am and why I do what I do where so many tell me I shouldn’t try and do all I do or should stop working or whatever other idea they may have. So this morning was really good- it was topped off by being asked to do something again which I never thought I would do but more of that once I know more!!
Secondly today I met up with Steph who who did a guest blog a while back. Meeting up with Steph is just great. We don’t get to see each other often but when we do there is none of that funny silence when your not sure what to say. We just pick up from where we left off and thats it….dinner flew by all too quickly but we put the world to rights and could share so many stories we could both relate to and have a laugh about!! Its a shame we live at different ends of the country in different countries to!! But I must try harder to see her more and make an effort to go south and have a proper catch up!
It would normally be a really busy time of year just now as the golf season is in full swing but I really have not been playing much at all. I would desperately love to play more but I need to get myself feeling better and have more energy then I can expend it all on the golf course rather than using up all my energy just to get through the day at work. I can relate to the Spoon theory so much just now as I do feel I need to plan my day to make sure I have enough energy to get me through the essentials without burning out. Today I didnt do a huge amount but slept for 3 hours in the afternoon and I have no idea why I am so exhausted all the time. That is one of the hardest things to cope with just now.
ANONYMOUS-ASTHMA 