The past year I have found to be very long and it feels like one long constant fight for normality which I am losing little by little. Working in the healthcare profession I know all the well about the cost on the NHS when patients do not attend their appointments but recently I have really been feeling what is the point. I am not getting anywhere by being the diligent patient I am so why bother wasting my days off to sit in a waiting room full of people about 40 years + older than me who cough and splutter and most of whom who have smoked like a chimney half their life. Is sit willing to be called to go to lung function to get away from being stared at because I look so young. I hate lung function as it is but to get away from a germ infested waiting room is greater than my hatred of lung function.
The main issue I have and I know I am generalising as not all of those at clinic have smoked etc but could be like me but I long to have something to blame my rubbish lungs on. I think having a reason as to why my asthma is so fragile would help me deal with it better. Just now my consultant tells me I do everything right but I am just going to have these attacks and it is so hard to hear. Going back 6/7 years I could say I was stupid and reckless and didnt look after myself so had reason for having attacks but it was not the reason for why my asthma is so difficult to control.
Many days you can have a positive outlook and think “yes today is a good day and my breathing is ok” but then other days you think “my breathing is ok but why is it not good” or you get the days when breathing is crap but you got nothing on so you watch films but the hardest days are when breathing is really bad and you have to cancel plans you had made because of it.
Why am I rambling in this post. I think because I have a clinic appointment on a day I have other plans already made. Part of me just wants to sack it and miss clinic because I don’t want to cancel my plans and they won’t change my appointment time. The more rational side of my brain says that I need to go to clinic even though nothin may come of it but to be seen to be adhering to treatment and trying to get myself better I can’t go missing appointments. The one time i do miss an appointment will no doubt be the time that there are changes planned.
Its hard work but it is the reality of living with a chronic condition. There are so many things you can’t do when you want to and attending appointments is just another of those things you have to do wether you want to or not!
But I won’t be a drain on the NHS and waste appointments. I will go to them even if I don’t want to. It is just sometimes finding the motivation to go is hard!