Tonight was one of those nights when I just wanted to be able to act my age and forget any worries and enjoy the moment. It was the end of season dinner which is always a fantastic night with members of Capital Lacrosse Club. As a club I have always felt so welcomed and want to participate in all they do but slowly I am finding I am not able to. First it was not playing a whole game of lacrosse, then not playing any matches, then training, then going out to all the socials and now when I do attend socials I watch everyone around me having fun and try my hardest to enjoy myself but as the evening progresses I find it harder to breathe and get pain in my chest. As the meal went on the only way I can explain the way I felt was that progressive tiredness you get and breathlessness when running over a long distance such as 13miles. I hadn’t run 13 miles but was just sitting trying to enjoy a dinner.
Since my asthma has played a much larger role in my life I made the decision to not do things which could effect my overall health. One of these things was drinking alcohol. I never drank much anyway but now will only have something to drink on a very odd occasion. Tonight was one of those such occasions. I had a glass of prosecco to toast the evening and celebrate the end of the season. This was all. I didnt enjoy it at all. It left a funny taste in my mouth and I felt weird. I think having not drunk in so long any alcohol can make a big impact.
It is the huge frustration you get, when looking at yourself on the outside you appear normal and healthy and therefore many would assume there is no reason for you not to be able to do everything everyone else your age does. Its not the case. Inside you are fighting to just get through the day or activity your doing to lead as normal a life as possible.
There is a saying that age is just a number and it is but when your body is a wreck your actual age is far younger than your body. It is true for those who are older and feel younger that age really is just a number but the reverse is not so.
It would just be nice to spend a day without worrying about all the eventualities which could happen, remembering to take medication and so on and so forth.
I shall leave it at that as it is 8pm and I need to go to bed another thing I would love to do is be able to relax in the evening and not fall asleep on the sofa and end in bed early!