Reflecting back

After being moved from A and E to the assessment ward and then onto the respiratory ward was not plain sailing. I felt like I was just  being a pain and a burden to the nurses. I was not allowed of of bed so had to ask for absolutely everything. Absolutely everything exhausted me as well. I was a long playing record all that ever came out my mouth was “can I have a neb?” or “I am struggling to breath”. Eventually the nurses were getting fed up and told me I couldn’t have another neb until the Dr saw me. This was my biggest fear not being allowed a neb. I knew I just need a few nebs back to back to break this attack but wasn’t being allowed them. I eventually lost it when a nurse asked me why I was upset. I think i ended up saying “just give me a gun to shoot myself if I can’t have a neb”. The Drs then agreed that I could have as many nebs as I wanted but by this time I was fed up and the effort of breathing was too much and the thought of having to take my oxygen mask off and putting my neb mask on seemed like a mammoth challenge. After getting through the night I was about to create more trouble for the nurses and this time it was serious. They moved a patient who had shingles next to me. Shingles to a normal person is not to bad but shingles to someone who is on pred, has a pretty awful immune system and has no immunity to shingles/ chicken pox is a pretty big deal. I told the nurses who then had to consult the Dr who then had to speak to other Drs. Eventually they moved me away from the patient.

I felt really bad I had made such a fuss. I then had to speak to respiratory to check I had done the right thing. The nurse was shocked I was even in that position. She said I did the right thing and I was relieved by this. I didnt want to cause a problem as I had caused a problem during the night needing my nebs etc.

I quite often get apprehensive when I am told I am moving to the resp ward but this time I couldn’t wait. I wanted off the assessment ward and into a environment where the staff know me and know my asthma. They will make sure I have nebs when I need them and let me just put them in myself rather than having to buzz for one.

 

This admission has really shaken me. I spoke to a few Drs about whats going on and it has been decided my case will be discussed at the next multidisciplinary team meeting to try and see if there is anything else which can be suggested to get some more control. I am starting to get scared now that this will be my life- and its a life I really don’t want. I have been analysing everything I do to see if there is something I could change to make my health better but when your consultant tell you there is nothing else you can do you know you are doing it all! It is terrifying to think that some of the best asthma consultant are left scratching their head trying to find a way to manage your condition.

Just now the reality is that I won’t be able to continue to work if I stay on this road. Its not a road I want to stay on but one I desperately want off.

For the next week I am really going to focus on me and rest to get back to work and make the most of it.

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