The isolation of chronic illness

Someone I follow on Instagram summed up exactly how I feel my asthma has made me. I used to be almost the opposite of myself. I always want to think that chronic illness does not define who I am but then this is not  true at all. I am my chronic illness and I have made myself that way particularly recently. I have been able to embrace having my asthma control my life and have put it too good use. I shave become involved in so much with the new applied research centre for asthma and also the work I do with Asthma UK. If I didnt have the difficult asthma I wouldn’t do any of this.

As much as I appear out going and have a laugh I am almost the polar opposite of who I used to be. 10 years ago I was the one who was out all the time, socialising with friends and had a carefree life. I would be out with friends and not care or worry about getting back to my flat to make sure I had medication etc. I would never hesitate about spending the night on a friends sofa if it was too late to go home. The thought of this now fills me with huge anxieties as I wouldn’t have my inhalers, pills and would worry about keeping people up with my coughing etc.

The app time hop I love to hate. I love it because it brings memories of a carefree life but then I hate t because it is not my life anymore and I envy that life. It would be fantastic to have such a life again.

The person I follow on Instagram I originally started following for the fitness and recipes they post but recently they shared about their friends. It is something I can relate with. Just now I spend a lot of time trying to keep myself well and out of hospital. In doing that it means friends come by the way side. Most of my friends I find I have met them through the work I do with Asthma UK or through support groups and therefore a lot of them are online. I have met them all just about but it means that you can’t just pop round and relax and watch a film, it usually means arranging Skype calls or FaceTime. These friends are ones who you can always rely on. They know exactly how you feel and the right things to say whereas the closest others friends come to knowing how you feel is when they have a cold and even then having a cold is nothing like fighting for your life to breathe!!

It is sad the way illness can change your life so much and leave you with so little control.

I often feel now that I live to work and thats about it. For just now I just want to throw myself into trying to make a change for people with asthma.

This week with my birthday it makes memories creep up and highlight all the bad things that comes with an unstable condition. Not only my birthday but I am also speaking tomorrow about asthma which is filling me with weird emotions as it is bringing up memories from some really hospital admissions. Last time I spoke in public about asthma I ended in tears and made a lot of the audience cry and I really don’t want the same to happen again!

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