Great Expectations

Yesterday I saw my consultant in clinic. His secretary actually called in the morning to cancel it as Consultant wanted to have a joint appointment in a few weeks to finalise the emergency care plan that was being written should I end up in hospital. However recently I have not been really really unwell but not being doing great either just bobbing along below par. So I spoke to him on the phone to ask what to do about my steroids and that I had not been feeling great. He heard me and said I was to come up and see him in clinic to see if I needed admitting. I was to keep the appointment for  a few weeks time as well.

After my last clinic appointment I was really happy. I had a goal that if my lung function remained stable then I would be able to do some light exercise and go to the gym to do some weights ad core stuff. I have missed the gym so much. I don’t know what i expected when I did lung function yesterday. But it was worse. It was 52% of predicted last time it was 47% today. Less than half. It has been about 5 years since my lung function was this low. Part of me is not surprised and part of me is devastated. I left the lung function room not knowing what to think really. I saw consultant who said I was ok but we were not continuing with plan to reduce steroids and he would see me in a few weeks. I can go to the gym but no cardio just do light weights and core stuff nothing that will push me too hard. At least its something. Not what I was wanting but I can’t be greedy and expect to be able to do things when my lungs are worse than they were a month ago.

I am hoping that with just a little bit of exercise I will improve my core and perhaps my posture which may help my breathing.

My next clinic is in 3 weeks so not long but will aim to see a better lung function then.

Below is a post I wrote and never published but wanted to include in it today. I wrote it after a my New Years post where I had said I did not want to set goals and targets for this year. In actual fact I had. I set them everyday. Just tho post above shows I set targets. I do it without thinking. Everyone has goals and targets even if they are not consciously making them.

Almost contradicting my last post (post from Dec 31st 2014) where I said I didnt want to set goals to achieve for 2015 in the back of my head I did have some goals and aspirations because it is who I am. I can’t move away from the competitive nature I have.

I wanted to try and stay away from hospital and feeling unwell confined to my sofa for what feels like days on end. I have so far avoided hospital other than for work but since Hogmanay I have been on my sofa struggling with shortness of breath and wheezing.

It is so frustrating because just as I think I am getting somewhere and getting stability back in my life. I was so buoyed up from my last consultant appointment where he said that if my lung function was stable by the next time I see him on the 21st of January then I can start going back to the gym and some light cardio work and some weights. The main thing for me is to get some exercise back into my life. It has been a huge part of it even through everything with my chest. For the first time I see a lack of muscle definition in my arms and legs which is something I have always maintained but now it is slipped away.

I am scared that these past few days are an insight of what may follow. Will this be how the rest of the year will play out. Am I going to get my life back. Or not even get my life totally back but just a little bit of it.

On the other side as much as I am frustrated about how my asthma is and how it is dictating my life I have an underlying fear that if I do go back to the gym how much will I be able to do. While not in the gym I know I will not be able to do what I did once before but that competitive mentality I think may slip back and I will push myself because it is what comes naturally to me. I am also really scared that when I do go back to the gym I will cause myself to have asthma attacks and will have that exercise induced part of asthma back in my life. Just now I try and lead my life in such a way that I minimise any chance of putting myself in a position where I might risk an asthma attack. Part of this means I am not living my life to the maximum but it is a balance of good and bad. For me by not living my life to the full means that I am also not risking my life.

I can see that so many people want to live their life to the fullest. I see those who have had transplants and have been given that second chance at life. With this second chance they don’t want to waste a single day which is admirable and I understand why they take that approach to life. I wish I could take that approach. But I have a massive fear of going back to the yoyo of in and out of hospital.

By not pushing my self to my limits I have significantly reduced the amount of time I am being admitted to hospital, the length of hospital stays is shorter and I no longer end up having to go to critical care with every admission.

It is a really difficult balance. Getting the balance between living life and not jeopardising life.

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