I have written a lot over the years about my experience of being in ICU particularly the last admission to ICU which has really haunted me but I have managed to calm those terrors until now that is.
It is really hard to get through your day without hearing or seeing something about corona virus or COVID-19 which I was able to deal with. It was getting a bit monotonous and never did I think I would miss hearing Brexit in the news but this is what it has got to.
I have found that since the news of Boris Johnson being admitted to hospital and then subsequently being admitted to ICU there has been more footage and pictures of life inside the hospital, video of people in the ICU on ventilators, people struggling to breathe, videos of people speaking who are struggling to breathe and then people recounting their story of having COVID-19 and how horrendous their experience is.
I can totally see why stories are being shared and why the press are sharing what is going on inside the ICU but this has triggered a huge response in me and not a good one either.
I have had a number of new memories come to life while on the ventilator as well as what I think are perhaps memories from what happened in the run up to be being ventilated which I have not recalled till now. It is scaring the life out of me. Every time I see something to do with ICU I feel like I have been hit with being in ICU all over again and I am having to deal with the psychological impact again and again.
Previously when I have been so unwell and medevaced etc I have not remembered what happened. Wether I have consciously or subconsciously decided to protect myself from the horrors of what went on while the medics tried to safe my life I don’t know but this is the first time I have had any sort of recollection or had anything jolt me into remembering events.
I am hoping that by writing it down it will help me process what has happened and perhaps make sense of why I am recalling a lot of things. I hope to that others might also maybe have tips of how they maybe have coped with situations of what I am going through or perhaps they are going through similar and feel alone. You are not alone.
During this time the intensive care support group that I attend has been suspended due to COVID-19 but I am hopeful that we will get a virtual group set up and this might help ease some of my anxieties. In the meantime I have Ghillie to comfort me!!!