I started writing this on Wednesday 9th October as I sat in the waiting room having checked in to clinic. I had so many expectations from clinic and pinned so much on it yet left feeling deflated.
“Sitting in clinic with butterflies flying around my stomach. This is my first clinic appointment with my consultant since being discharged from hospital 2 months ago. I feel like I have been living up at the hospital with seeing so many different people from neurology, muscular-skeletal physio’s, neurology physios, psychologist to name a few. So let’s just add respiratory consultant into the mix to. I think out of all the appointments this is the one I never want to come around. Why? Because I know we are going to be going over what happened and the events leading up to me being on life support. Despite it being 2 months ago I am still not ready to face or talk about what happened or to be told about what happened. I am trying to adapt to my new normal with my stick and leg that has half it’s feeling which in itself is a constant reminder of what happened and how unwell I was.
Just now as I write this I am sitting outside lung function waiting my turn to see how awful the results are and would give everything for the out patient people to say they got the day wrong and don’t need to see me. My stomach is flipping and it shouldn’t. The consultant for my asthma is here to help me and make things better not worse but I just don’t want to go and see him. Unless there is a magic wand to be waved I want to just get on with stuff myself. Unless there is a new medication on the table or something to improve my health I’m not to bothered about being up at the hospital all the time as I can manage myself just fine if this is how it is going to be”.
This is as far as I got before I was called in to the dreaded lung function room, and as soon as I was out of there I was called in to see my consultant.
How did it all go?
Well lung function was the same as it was at last clinic. I guess that is a positive given that I have had a major attack in between these clinic visits. Then my actual appointment didnt go how I thought it would. I had the expectation that we would be going through the events that occurred during that last attack but we didnt. I had worked myself up thinking this is what we would discuss. I know I sound like I am just moaning because at the start of this post said I was not ready to talk about what happened but so many people had said this is what would be happening so I worked myself up.
I have to go back to clinic again in 7 weeks so will see what is said then.