I don’t normally write when Im in hospital. Mainly because I don’t feel well, my thoughts are jumbled up, I am a bit hypoxic which means nothing makes sense.
However this time I did write and thought I would share what I wrote.
“I hate having asthma. I have been here a week and I am still struggling to breathe. Just to get up, shower, dress feels like I am running a marathon. Needing nebulisers just to get myself through the most simplest of tasks which I should be able to do by just pacing. It is so scary when your left gasping, nurses say that you will be ok and you know you will be ok but it doesn’t help the fear. A fear that leaves you stuck in one place and not wanting to do anything for fear of having that gasping, suffocating feeling again. I find it so difficult to sit and accept that my lungs are not great. I think its not fair, I haven’t done anything to my lungs to cause them to hate me so much and work so poorly. Seeing all the patients with COPD who have smoked and still smoke have a reason for struggling to breathe, I wish there was a reason or something I did to deserve the punishment of not being able to breathe.
The Drs and nurses have been so good, looking after me and treating me to the best they can but even still they cant alleviate the constriction around my lungs making it easier and less like a marathon. Last night I felt so scared and couldn’t breathe. I didnt know when it was going to end, trying to focus on something else and put my breathing exercises into use was out the questions, even listening to an audiobook was impossible. I didnt know what to do with myself. Finally the Drs were able to give me some medication which really helped open my lungs up and breathing was easier but I was still left with the fear.”
I only wrote a very small amount but it seems I was gripped with fear over not being able to breathe and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel.
The whole admission was a mix of emotions but hopefully it has been an admission where changes will be made and progress will occur!!!