Sadness and comfort rolled into 1

This past week has been really tough and emotionally I feel a wreck. In fact I don’t really know how I feel. There is a surreal aspect to everything like everything is a dream and I am just waiting to wake up from it and everything will be alright again.

Last week on Wednesday night/ Thursday morning I got a phone call from my Granny’s nursing home saying she was having difficulty breathing, struggling and quite anxious about it. I went round to see her. There was no question I wouldn’t go. 1am in the morning or not. Knowing what it is like to struggle to breathe and the fear that grips you meant I knew I couldn’t leave Granny to go through that on her own and had to be there with her. I was really rocked seeing her. She has had a bad chest for a while but she just looked so frail and vulnerable when I saw her. I was able to just sit with her while we waited for the Dr to come out and see her. She had some nebulisers and it settled her chest down and she was able to get a little bit of sleep and I went to work.

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After work I went in to see her and was really pleased to see her sitting up in bed, looking a lot more relaxed and we had a good chat. I had told her in the middle of the night I would bring her a smaller nebuliser mask as the one she had was huge and covered her whole face. Needless to say I forgot to bring it with me and she sure remembered about it and told me off (in a kind way) for forgetting. This reassured me as she had her old ways back and things so I was happy. I didnt stay too long because we had a good chat and I could see she was getting tired and dozing off while I was speaking so I decided to leave and would come back after work on Friday.

However less than 2 hours later I received a phone call from the nursing home saying Granny had taken a turn for the worse and lost consciousness. I didnt comprehend it but I could tell by the urgency in the nurses voice along with the apologies that Granny wasn’t so well I knew I had to go to the nursing home as soon as possible. So throwing clothes on and rushing to the nursing was all I could think if. The drive there felt never ending, waiting a red lights seemed to take forever. It is only a 10 minute drive if that but it was a very long drive. As I was on the road I got a call from my Dad to say Granny had died. The nurses were with her when she died so she wasn’t on her own. I didnt really believe it until I arrived at the nursing home and saw my Dad.

I went in to Granny’s room and just broke down. I couldn’t believe it. She seemed to be improving when I saw her, she was comfy, we had a good chat and giggle. She was planning on what she was going to watch on TV that night- complaining that there wasn’t much on. I had no reason to think I wouldn’t see her on Friday as felt she was more settled and not as wheezy.

I am beyond devastated about it. Reflecting back I can see now that I think perhaps when I saw her she was on a false positive. They do say that just before people die they have a bot of a boost of health before that final decent. Perhaps this was what was happening when I saw her at 5pm she had a boost of energy and settled herself so she could pass away peacefully and comfortably.

It is a great comfort to me that she didnt suffer and what is special is she died on the anniversary of my Uncle’s death- her youngest son who tragically died in an accident. My grandpa died at the beginning of December too so they are all reunited now. Part of me wonders if Granny wanted to die on that day. There is something very special about it. I know they are all there looking down over the family watching what we are doing.

I have found with Granny dying I need to be suer careful. My breathing has already been a struggle even before Granny got unwell so managing it with the added upset and stress has been a challenge. I am so grateful to the support I have received from friends, family, colleagues. I have had the confidence to manage my chest as I see fit to ensure I am ok and stay well over the Christmas period and New Year as well as for Granny’s funeral. I took the opinion that I would need to stay on my high dose prednisilone to get me through this. It does mean that the side effects are really taking its toll on my body due to the lack of sleep, restlessness and the extreme hunger but they are all things that can be reversed where as missing Granny’s funeral because I got unwell cannot be reversed so that is my priority just now.

I still cant believe it but a poem Granny gave me after Grandpa died sticks with me and I can call upon it for the 3 of them up there.

Taken from Ascension

And if I go

While you are still here

You will not see me

So you must have faith

 

Wait for the time when we can be together again

Until then live life to the fullest

And when you need me

Just whisper my name- and I will be there.

 

 

Love you Granny xx

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