Since this last attack and time off work I have more time to myself and thinking about things. I realise how scared I have been since this last attack. Each attack seems to get harder and harder to deal with, and more risk is attached to each one.
Despite them being scary and having flashbacks of sorts from the attacks and experiences of hospital, intensive care as I have written about before in the post where I wrote of following that red bag- the emergency intubation bag which goes with you when you are being moved from resus to intensive care. I have been more open about how I have felt and often speak to others with severe asthma about my feelings and I have realised I am not alone in how I feel. That in actual fact everyone is scared and I have found its not just those with severe asthma that are scared. Those with not so severe asthma are also scared. This has reassured me, I was thinking that I was over reacting for being so worried but Im not. It is normal and this has made it easier to process and sort out in my head. I am still terrified at the thought of going through the last admission again but at least Im not on my own feeling this way.
I just wish asthma didnt make so many people live in fear and have such a big risk of attack attached to everything we do. But that is the reality until something it done to change it. It is balancing on a knife edge just waiting for the next attack to hit and the next hospital admission. You can’t plan your life incase you end up having to back out of plans. I prefer not making plans as then I don’t get disappointed at having to cancel as this just makes me realise that once again I am not able to do something because of my asthma, so by just not doing things you don’t have that negativity attached with having to cancel plans. Its horrible and no way to live but it is how it is just now.
I am hopeful that with the new developments in medication that something will help and make a difference. Fingers crossed!