Emotions and detachment

This evening I feel totally drained and really emotional but the feeling is strange it is almost a detachment from what I should feel. I can’t really describe it. I think it perhaps is a coping mechanism I have when dealing with a certain situation I don’t like and don’t have a choice to avoid.

What am I talking about?

An asthma attack. Previously I have written about how my method of coping with life threatening asthma attacks is to not remember what happens. Until today I never thought of the implications that this has. By not only blocking out my own memories of the attack I also block out my own memories of my parents worry and looks on their faces and how they feel knowing their daughter can’t breathe and could be heading to intensive care if it doesn’t get turned around.

Today I met 2 inspirational people who in the face of a very tragic situation are trying to make a positive. Their daughter died of an asthma attack. She was a similar age to me- just a year younger. At her funeral they were shocked at how many people didnt know how bad asthma could be and they have pledged to raise money for asthma research to help find that cure that everyone with asthma hopes for but no one knows where to find it. I was in awe meeting them as I had no idea how they could be so strong in such sad circumstances.

Listening to her mum talk made me think of my parents and what they must go through if they have to take me to hospital or when they are sitting in hospital with me. I have never even thought about how they feel when seeing me not able to breathe. I block it all out so I don’t remember any of it. I am scared to ask them if they are scared or worried about what may or may not happen. Part of me wants to know but then i am scared. I know I can’t stop having asthma attacks but the thought that those who protect you fear for you makes me upset. It is like inflicting pain but the last thing you wanted to do was cause it.

Hearing Lydia’s parents experience made me grateful that I am here but at the same time it has highlighted the very reality of asthma particularly when they talked about how she was fine and looked fine but the next minute they could be calling an ambulance. This is what it feels like for me when I have an attack. I never knew others had attacks like that. It feels when reading about attacks that everyone’s are different but for the first time there is someone whose family described their attacks the same as mine. It has made me want to be more vigilant with my asthma control. I am already doing my utmost but I still have days where I do things I shouldn’t such as a few weeks back playing goalie at lacrosse or going into work when I really should have stayed at home.

I have lost too many friends to asthma and this is another family who has lost a daughter and mother because of asthma. I want to help in any way I can to raise the profile of asthma and how serious it can be a even friends who I have known for 20 years don’t know how serious asthma can be and they should. I don’t want to use shock tactics but asthma does kill and its the reality. So…..


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