For the last year or so I have had this dark shadow cast over me that is weighted down and I have not been able to shake it off. However tomorrow is a day that it will finally be off my shoulders and I can relax again. Part of that was lifted on Friday but on Monday it will be totally gone.
I attribute not making much progress with my asthma control because of the stress that has been hanging over me. I am not expecting my asthma to suddenly come on leaps and bounds but I do expect some progress and stability.
In primary school I remember being picked on by what I called “the big girls”. They were 3 years older than me and found it amusing to play tricks etc. As time went on and I grew up I didnt let being picked on bother me. I just brushed it off my shoulder. I thought that was it and I would never feel like i was being bullied again. I never thought as an adult and at work I would be made to feel so small and worthless by a work colleague. Working in a compassionate job you would have thought there would be understanding that not everyone will get on and tolerate each other but to be basically bullied was not what I was expecting.
I loved my job but I was at the point that despite the love of my job I was not going to be able continue working there. It was effecting my health to badly. I would be a bag of nerves wondering what was going to happen during the day and then lie awake at night going over what happened in the day and writing it all down.
I did report the matter but it only made everything worse. My work colleague really could not care about how I felt at all but only how she felt. She did whatever she wanted and wold trample on me in the process. It got to the point she tried to manipulate situations with my patients so that they would find it difficult with me and got other members of staff to complain about me. I actually think she was trying to sabotage my career. Anything I was doing would be made difficult by her. I gave up saying anything about her to those above as she was out to only make gains for herself and would do anything to keep it that way. I tried to not let what she was doing effect me but it really did. It even got so bad that when my Granny died last year she wold not swap days off with me so I could go to the funeral. I ended up working the morning of the funeral. This again happened with a friend. You would not think someone who is in the caring profession could be so callus and cold. I am glad she has gone.
I spent so much time and energy qualifying as a nurse and I was not going to give that up for a bully but its easy to write that much harder to do in practice. I would scour the jobs pages and see what jobs were about. I am in a tricky situation though which would make getting another job very difficult because of my sick time and the accommodations my managers have made for me to make it possible for me to still have a job.
Last week I was very close to going to speak to a union rep as I had no idea what else to do. I was making myself so ill and not sleeping. I didnt go to the union as I only had 3 days left with her. I have a folder of stuff from what has happened. I was so concerned that she would have me up at the NMC because of all the trouble she caused. I was told they may need to do a conduct at work review because of the stuff she made people say and do. To say I was devastated when I heard this is an understatement. Being told that perhaps it was my medication which makes me misunderstood sometimes. I wanted the whole thing over and done with so just agreed with it. I spoke up once and it got me know where and I ended up with more grief than was worth it so I just stayed quiet. I can’t stay quiet any more. My life was made miserable in a way I never thought possible and I need to get it down in words so it stops eating me up inside.
One thing I do know is that I never ever want to make people feel as she made me feel. I am glad she has got a new job and moved out of my hair. Perhaps now I can focus on getting myself better. Perhaps I won’t end up in hospital so much and won’t end up in hospital and then have to go to work only hours after being discharged because I didnt want work to know how much I had been in hospital and also because I didnt want to show that she was getting to me and making me weak.
My asthma is not very well controlled but stress just exacerbates this even more. When in situations I know are going to be stressful I can control it as I know what to expect but when someone else is making the stress worse I find it really hard to control it and I think it is because that person knows what they are doing.
From here I need to think about all the people who help me and make it possible for me to do what I do wether it is my family, my teamates, my friends, my colleagues, my managers or those at the centre. I enjoy all that I do and want to continue doing what I do to the best of my ability.