Testing the water

This last week has been really tough but the weekend has been a good time to reflect and rest.

The week was no tough physically until Friday but mentally for some reason I had difficulty dealing with the way my life has become. I have developed a pretty good morning routine for medication, getting ready and things for work but every morning it just seemed so hard to motivate myself to get up. It was not to motivate myself to go to work but to do my inhalers, nebs and pills. I just couldnt face it.

I go through but then friday I felt like a total failure. To say I went in a depressive state is to much but I felt so down. The ward I used to work on was so short staffed and busy so I helped out in the afternoon. I didnt think much of it. My health has not been great but not terrible so I went. About half an hour into it I felt like I had been running a marathon and I really hadn’t done much at all. I was using a lot of my inhaler. For my own piece of mind I had to push trough it and finish the day. I did not want to give up and show that I was weak. I felt awful by the end of my time and just wanted to get home. The hardest part was going back to our office and I just couldn’t talk. I think they probably all thought I was really grumpy but I literally did not have the puff to talk and want to escape to my car to be able to neb catch my breath and get over my emotions.  I have not really been on the ward since I moved off it to my community roll. I thought I might manage it but I didnt. Part of me feels crushed that I am no better physically than I was before. It also reconfirmed to myself that I am in the right job now and need to stay there.

One good that did come out of it though is that I tested my new  nebulising protocol. It has now been changed that I don’t have a limit to how many nebs I can have (will blog about that another time). I was able to have 7- a combination of atrovent and salbutamol which got on top of my chest really well and I didnt need to go to hospital for extra medication which is great.

The weekend has been good. I have rested a lot but I got to see one of my pals who was through from Glasgow for a course so we had a great dinner and good gossip. This really helped me feel good again.

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After that once I got home I had a lovely FaceTime chat from a friend I met through Asthma UK who has been really poorly. One thing though which cheers me up in a weird way is you know when you have a good friend because they are not afraid to tell you that you look crap or tired etc which Gem did!!! I love her for it though she’s not afraid to say it as it is to me!!! We both need to monitor our battery as one of us will always run out of battery!!!

This was the picture that Gem commented that I didnt look great!!! (what I am seeing now is that where before I never but I do always have dark circles and starting to look a bit more ill than I ever did before).

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