Since dropping my hours at work I have more time to myself. Which is a good thing but on the other hand it is also not. By working shorter hours I am able to rest because for the first time I am feeling very tired and recognising how tired I feel. By finishing work earlier I can rest and take my time doing everything I need to instead of rushing around. But by having more time to myself, to rest, it also means I have more time with my thoughts and right now being with my thoughts is a love hate relationship.
When resting not doing anything I make plans in my head of all the things I would like to do such as:
go back to the gym
play lacrosse again
run a 1/2 marathon again
go trekking in Nepal
the three peaks
even ideas like cycle to work anything really to build my fitness up and do some cardio vascular exercise but just now my lungs are not stable enough to do this however I do hope that some day I will be able to do these things again and achieve the goals I want. I am sure on good days and with the right medication I could start again but while I am so variable and unstable I don’t want to risk causing an asthma attack which would result in hospital admission and then being off work. Until I manage to reduce my hospital admissions and tie of work without doing any of the above I don’t think I need to add anything extra into the mix which might provoke something!!!
The flip side to this is that making these plans and having ideas of what I want to do I find I get depressed at the thought of not being able to do them and on very dark days I sometimes think will I ever be able to do these things again.
It is impossible not to have dark days and the dark days drag and without wanting to I end up wallowing in my own thoughts and focus on what I am not doing and dreaming of what I could be doing and asking all those what if questions.
I really do hope that my appointment next week will bring something. Even if it is a small change any change is better than nothing. My main hope is to get off the prednisilone and only have to use it in times of chest infections or acute attacks instead of being on it all the time. I am sure with coming off it my mental health might be a bit better and I will feel all together more myself.
Fingers crossed for next week but I hope I am not putting all my eggs in the one basket. I just need to try and find a way for my medical team to understand how my asthma actually effects me on a day to day basis as they see me either in an acute attack or at clinic which I schedule on my days off from work so am pretty well and rested!!
Watch this space!