My best may never be good enough

Lowered threshold to an asthma attack and chest infection.

We were discussing asthma attacks and my frustration that despite acting quickly to treat them I tend to end up needing hospital treatment anyway. She said this was because my threshold of an attack was much lower. In essence my everyday level of tightness is much greater than it used to be therefore the time it takes me to get to very tight and silent is much less than it would have been in the old days when my lungs were relatively normal and my airways were nice and open with very little inflammation.

This has made me feel mixed. It has made me feel a bit better knowing that I am not doing anything wrong when treating my asthma attacks. I am acting fast enough its just that to treat the attack I need much more aggressive treatment than I can give myself at home because my lungs everyday are probably in the state of what a mild attack used to be for me. I always worry going to hospital that I have not done enough at home or I missed something which resulted in me needing hospital as sometimes it feels like every attack gets out of my control. But it is not. It is just my lungs are a bit shitty and need what I can’t give them at home to relax and get out of an attack. In this way I feel better- Im not wasting NHS time by not doing what should but then at the same time it kind of makes me feel “is this what it has come to?” I can no longer control my own body someone else has to do it for me. I have to give myself over to medical professionals because my best is no longer good enough. I really struggle to deal with this. I think this is why I live in fear. As scary as an asthma attack is it is almost not the fear of the asthma attack itself it is the fear that I can’t control it.. my best is not good enough. Playing a lot of sport and striving for perfection in nearly all that I do makes this a huge a blow to me. I know in sport if I don’t do something well it is my fault. I didn’t prepare enough, I was not concentrating or my course management was bad and made some wrong desciosns… these are all my fault. It is as a result of something I did that I did not perform to how I wanted but with asthma attacks I can do all the right things but it is still not good enough and it is not something I can change.

i want to be able to change it but I can’t.

This is a terrifying thought.

With my asthma my best may never be good enough. I am not sure if I can live with this thought.

I also wonder if this lowered threshold for asthma attacks can also be used for my tendency to pick up chest infections and colds. I know my immune system is lowered because of my constant use of prednisilone but again at the first signs of infection I act. I start my home course of antibiotics even before seeing a GP or Dr and increase my steroids. I then make an appt to see someone. But often this again is not enough and I need IV antibiotics. Despite acting quickly it seems it is never fast enough!!! It only ever seems to be illness around my chest. Touch wood and anything else I am not a sickly person other than my chest. If I did not have asthma I would have only had 10 sicks days in the past 8 or 9 years. One of those was recently for food poisoning, 4 was for when I had my knee operated on and the others were for my appendectomy. It is amazing how one illness can cause so much trouble!!!

It would be interesting to see if others found that they had a lower threshold for attacks and hospital treatment.

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