Knock back

The last hospital admission has kind left me feeling knocked back a bit. I think this is because I felt like I was doing so well and kind of forgot that I could get so unwell so quickly. Before when I was bouncing in and out of hospital so much I just accepted that this was the way it was but now that I managed a whole five months out of hospital before ending up back in I feel knocked back and dejected and scared.

I always knew I would end up back in hospital but as time went on I think I started thinking that because I was managing longer out of hospital I wouldn’t have such bad attacks and need so much stuff done for me and would bounce back to myself quite quickly after my lungs settled down.

it is more fear just now that I have and cant let go. I am terrified that my degree will be taken away from me. I know it is only one set back but I have this fear as I have seen what my life was like and what it became and now what it is like. I is not full circle to where it was before I kept getting ill but I was making progress to get back to that. Although that life is still a long way off as it was two inhalers a day type of life but i was hoping. After each time I saw my Dr I would be reducing something even if it was only a 1mg at a time it was still a reduction and a sign that my body was needing less treatment and medication to work effectively. Now I have had it all put back up and had more tablets introduced.

In the whole scheme of things it is not a huge thing as I am out of hospital and able to have some time out before I start back on placement but it has knocked me alot. I need to build everything back up and will get there but I need to be patient. I am not sure what I am going to do with the next week. Just relax and see where the days take me.

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