As I write this on the plane home from Madeira I am feeling a huge mix of emotions (I wrote this yesterday on the plane). The pride of representing Great Britain at the first ever European Para Laser Run Championships, frustration at my race being interrupted before it even started with smoke hitting my lungs, heartache at the thought of what could have been, determination to come back stronger but also the mental fight I overcome during the race to ensure I finished it even though I wanted to stop as my lungs were on fire and getting the air out my lungs felt like a momental effort and I am not quite sure how I actually managed it.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would pull on a Great Britain vest with my name on the back and line up on the start line to race but I did. It has been a whirlwind of emotion because having that GBR vest represents how much I have managed to overcome and that no matter what happens with hard work and determination you can excel. Want hit me most was how friendly the para community in laser run are no matter what country you come from. The para competition is split into different classifications depending on your disability. I am PMP1- Para Modern Pentathlon class 1 which is the wheelchair class or the wheelies as we call ourselves. The wheelie class particularly was so warm and friendly. I found myself speaking some form of French with the team from France, communicating the best we could with people from Germany but no matter the language barriers everyone was there and supported each other. This could be seen from the “dance party” before the start of the race and then the support when we all finished the race with hugs all round.
I have always known I have great mental resilience and know how to cope with mental anguish but this race really put it to the test. Before the horn went to start I could have stopped as we lined up as suddenly I took a big breathe not realising the breath I was taking was full of smoke too. But I worked so hard to get there I knew I would be angry at myself if I didn’t start the race and if I didn’t do my best even if it meant not finishing. As I came into my second shoot I wanted to give up, I couldn’t get air out so couldn’t get air back in either it was terrifying, I wanted to try and manually squeeze my chest to free up space- or at least that is how I felt. Once at the table for the second shoot I really wanted to give up, I couldn’t hold the pistol up, I couldn’t focus, I felt disorientated and just didn’t know what to do. Thankfully our coach was there and told me to take the full 50 seconds (you get 50 seconds to hit your 5 green lights) to catch my breath, take my inhaler etc. After that my mental resolve kicked in and I knew just like in any other asthma attack the end would be over but I had to fight through it and this was no different but this time I just had to do it while finishing off the race. Ironically despite the bucket load of salbutamol I had taken my last 2 shoots were really consistent and I did it. Crossing the finish line if I was not in a chair I would have collapsed in a heap, the exhaustion hit me but then so did panic. I suddenly remembered people back home were watching the live stream so I had to let them know I was ok and what happened as I know they will have seen my face and the struggle on it. All was good I was able to message home!
This race is a reminder of just how deep I can dig when I need too and how I can push my body to its limit but hold myself together mentally in the process. This was also tested when I was watching all my teammates go up and get their medals. I was devastated to not be up there with them and kept thinking of all the what ifs but I didn’t let that show I was able to share in their joy as I am so proud of both my own teammates and the other para athletes too for their achievements. I know the events that happened were out of my control and it could have been different or it could have been someone else in my situation you never know but it will stay with me and now anytime I think I can’t do something or something is not going right I know I can get there and with mental strength, determination and pride I can overcome obstacles that are infront of me.
This asthma attack has brought back some fears that I used to have when competing in sport. I used to always go onto the pitch and wonder if I would walk off the pitch when the final whistle went or would I have had to go off earlier and was on my way to hospital due to an asthma attack. It was a paralysing fear but my love of sport would overpower the fear and I would play but since the race I keep thinking is this the start of that cycle again. I know I am thinking irrationally and it won’t happen because I am older and somewhat wiser when it comes to managing my asthma and dealing with attacks but I none the less the fear and thoughts are still there.
I will always have severe asthma (unless there is some miracle) but the last 15 months have shown me that despite having lungs that have their own agenda I can still play sport and compete at a high level. I have now represented Scotland in wheelchair rugby league and Great Britain in para laser run. I hope this shows people that severe asthma is not the end of the road. It takes careful management but you can still have dreams and often they come up when you don’t expect it.
I have been so fortunate to have some amazing opportunities recently. My focus now turns back to wheelchair rugby league as we have some big matches in the next few weeks.
ANONYMOUS-ASTHMA 