Walking into my first practice I had no idea what to expect. My only experience of wheelchair rugby league before that practice in March was watching the Wheelchair Rugby League World Cup during summer 2022- and that was by chance as one of my old lacrosse teammates was a referee at the World Cup.
That first practice had a profound effect on me in so many ways. The first was that I felt exhausted (and in pain) but a good exhausted, I was no fit, I had done no fitness based activity in many years so no wonder (the pain wasn’t quite so good as I did have a large whole in my abdomen so what did I expect). Secondly that session unlocked a part of me that I put away thinking I would never be a sports person again. I had almost been through the cycle of grief with sport and accepted I would never be that sports person I had aspired to be when younger but 90 mins of wheelchair rugby league I found all that ambition and drive that I locked away came back to me, it was almost like a high I guess. I was leaving feeling positive, I had found something I could do (although not very well) despite my disabilities. Once I was in the chair we were all the same, the chair is a great leveller when it comes to disability as we are all the same.
The things I have achieved since I started to play wheelchair rugby league (WhRL) are beyond my wildest dreams. I think when I first started playing I didnt want to dream of what I could maybe achieve because I had previously had sport taken away from my due to my health and I don’t think I would ever be able to go through that again as it took me to some really dark places. What no one appreciates is that sport is more than sport. Being in a club or team your teammates become your friends, you have a social aspect to sport, you want to try and be the best you can not just for you but for your teammates and you support each other. My social circle became very very small and I lost a huge number of friends as a result but now this is building back up.
Some of the achievements this season have given me so much hope, not just the fact that I have found something that I can do. Being asked to be vice captain so early into the season was a proud moment especially as I had no experience in WhRL or even rugby league. It really was an honour to be asked and I accepted.
The biggest surprise to me however was after playing my first games for Edinburgh Giants and being pulled aside and asked if I would joined the Scotland WhRL performance squad. I thought they were taking the mick to start with as I had only been in the sport a few months and would be attending my first Scotland training session a few weeks later and then as it turned out I would be earning my first cap for Scotland at the Celtic Cup. What made winning my first cap for Scotland even better was having my Mum and Step Dad there to see it (even if Mum said she never wanted to see me play again). It was honestly a whirlwind but one I would not change for anything.
We just had our end of season prize giving where I was awarded Club Person of the Year, it is very easy to be involved in a club and do all you can for a club when the club ethos is so great and the values inspire you, it is easy to do all you can to ensure the club does the best it can. I am excited for the next season.
But as I have said it is more than just a sport. The impact of being involved in the sport has had probably some of the biggest changes to my wider life especially at a time when I was questioning myself and having some of the hardest times with my health I have ever really faced. Sport gave me the strength to fight. I faced the battle with my health like I would during the last 10 minutes of a match, you have to fight to the end you cannot give up. I was so close to giving up and resign myself to live with the huge wound in my abdomen, and live with the consequences of what a surgeon said to me but being involved in sport gave me the strength to fight and not give up, to prove them wrong. I did this and I am now in a far better position than I was before. Even with my asthma and allergies where care is slightly disjointed I am taking action and doing what I need to do to ensure I am as well as I can be.
I have also found myself thinking more about my future and what my future looks like. Having sport and something that I can do has made me more determined to get myself back to a state where I can work again and I have been thinking a lot more about what that work would look like and what type of work it will be. Just now I am not in a position to be able to work as my health is not what it should be. The side that people don’t see is the preparation that goes in to be able to participate. For example on a Wednesday night we have training which means from lunchtime on Wednesday I do very little and then Thursday morning is often a write off as well as I get so fatigued. Fatigued is something I have been struggling a lot with recently with my bad leg collapsing under me and the need for sleep but no matter how much sleep I get I don’t feel I ever get enough. But where before I would be frustrated by this fatigue I am understanding it more and accepting when I just cant do what I want to do.
As a person I have changed. I am not sure there are many people who know how much I was struggling with my health and my inability to do things at the end of 2022 beginning of 2023. It was horrible, it was a dark place, it felt like there was no future. I know I am my own worst enemy as I never speak about how much I struggle so I cant expect people to understand if I don’t share but having something positive in my life has made me address these feelings and also given me somewhere to get out my frustrations.
I never realised the impact that sport has had on my life over the years till now but it is huge and I am so glad it is back in my life. I can only thank all those involved in WhRL particularly Edinburgh Giants and coach Martyn for the opportunity and belief in me which has given me belief in myself.
Dum Spiro Spero
ANONYMOUS-ASTHMA 