I caught site of my shadow today when I was out walking with Ghillie down at Cramond and had to stop and do a double take. I was thinking it cant really be me I was looking down at. I was looking down at the shadow of someone who should be triple my age. Hunched over and with a walking stick (and my leg and foot in a splint). I felt like crying, I was crying inside. To top it off when I was trying to get myself across the long grass to clear up after a Ghillie an elderly lady came over to help me and cleaned up for me before I even got half way there. If I was not feeling bad by then I felt awful. I know she was doing it out of kindness and I did smile and thank her but inside I wanted to scream that I can manage myself and don’t want to be pitied.
I am determined that I will get myself back from where I am. I realised I have not actually posted about the issue with my leg. While I was unwell in the hospital there was a huge struggle for access so in the process of trying to get intra- venous access and also arterial access my nerves have been damaged in my right foot and leg. I cant fee my right foot at all and have foot drop in it which has meant I have a lovely splint/brace thing to wear which keeps my foot in the correct position. I also have a stick to help with my walking as it is tricky when you cant feel your foot. The rest of my leg is in a lot of pain from the lines in my femoral and groin area. Weirdly when i had the lines in I had no issues other than them being a bit annoying. It was not until the lines came out that the trouble started. My leg was achey and whenever I would bend it got shooting nerve pain that would bring tears to my eyes. Oddly at the time and when in hospital there was not much to see. I had and ultra sound and x-rays which were all ok but once I got home all this bruising and swelling came up with my thigh ending up black and blue.
So anyway my leg is causing me so much trouble leaving me feeling like I have aged. When a walk with Ghillie that normally takes me 40 minutes is now taking me 1 hour and a half.
Looking on the positives of my leg it is forcing me to rest and recover from my hospital admission but it is so frustrating too. I just need to think that I am here and shouldn’t moan too much about things.
With focus and positivity I will get back to where I was. I will be able to get myself back to where I was before, slow but steady and things will get there.
(I am still trying to figure out exactly what went on in relation to my last hospital admission. Once I have it all straightened out in my head I will be able to post about it.)