Everything seems to be a bit negative just now and I really don’t like it but I do find writing down things that bother me cathartic and really help get them out my head and mulling over them. It is often things I won’t speak to anyone about as I think people would be bored of hearing me moan but also they really have absolutely no understanding of what it feels like sometimes.
My biggest issue I have with my asthma is that there is nothing I can say caused it to get bad. I have not always been a perfect patient and not always taken medication as and when I should (I learnt my lesson with that and now keep to a strict regime) but I desperately wish there was a cause for it to have got so bad. No matter how much I try I really cannot come to terms with the fact that there was nothing that I could really do to prevent this. It just happened.
I am hugely anti smoking yet so many of my family smoke and they don’t get that they take their breathing for granted. They have all seen me have asthma attacks yet they still smoke. They also don’t think when they light up and leave a door open that it will bother me, they don’t think that the smoke stays on their clothes can have an effect on my breathing, they just don’t think because they take their ability to breathe for granted. If I make a fuss that they have lit a cigarette around me and I get a face full of smoke they get all annoyed and tell me to go away, I am the one that ends up moving and having to stop what I am doing to accommodate them when they are inflicting something I a) chose not to do and b) something that negatively affects me. I would never wish my asthma on anyone but sometimes I would love for them to feel what it is like for me to breath on a daily basis but also when I am near smoke of any kind. It is horrible and to know that this is your family members that are doing this is awful and they just don’t see it. Years down the line they will have damage to their lungs and suffer the consequences of it but weirdly in my mind at least they have a reason for having bad lungs. It was what they chose to do to themselves so they need to live with the consequences of it.
For me I don’t have that reason or any reason. I have just bad asthma that wants to control my life and requires medication several times a day to keep it in check and be able to breathe adequately.
This now is a total moan- even more than what I have just written but those that smoke and then they get a cough or cold hey feel their life has fallen in. Someone said to me that so and so was not well and had an awful cough. I turned round and replied that if they chose to stop smoking or smoked less Im sure they wouldn’t feel so unwell or have such a bad cough to which I was told I was not being very sympathetic or supportive. But hello….they chose to do it. How can I be supportive or sympathetic to someone who will most likely not give two hoots about lighting up a cigarette and won’t care who is around and who it is going to bother.
I really hate it if you can’t guess. It seems to be more prominent now as well. Everywhere you go there will be someone smoking in a 5m radius of you. Its disgusting but god forbid you make a fuss. I remember once needing to get into a restaurant but a man was smoking in the doorway. When I asked him to move so I could get through avoiding the smoke I got a whole heap of dogs abuse for it. Smokers think it is their right to be where they want and smoke without giving a care to anyone else.
This brings me onto the ridiculous idea of having no smoking on NHS sites. I still can’t believe that I really don’t agree with it and wish they would reinstate smoking. Now I can’t walk around the hospital grounds without coming across someone hiding behind a corner trying to be out of site smoking because they are too lazy to go off site. At least before when there was the smoking shelters you could avoid them but now it seems like no where is safe. It makes even getting from my car and into the hospital more hazardous than it was before.
I am such a grump but if you hadn’t guessed smoking it really getting to me just now and I want to scream at people who smoke. I would love them to do a day in my shoes and Im not even that bad compared to many people. I should be lucky I have the health I have as so many have it worse than I do but just now I can’t let it drop and I keep getting so wound up by it. I am hoping that by writing it down and getting it off my chest then I will feel better for it.