Alone with my thoughts and a 1am neb!!

Everyone wakes up in the middle of the night for some reason or other and will either roll back over and drift off to sleep or will toss and turn unsettled for the rest of the night.

I can’t remember the last time I had a full night sleep. One of the problems of my asthma. A common problem for many asthmatics. A key sign your asthma is not controlled is worsening of symptoms at night. For the milder asthmatic this is not too big a problem- a quick trip to the asthma nurse and probably increase your preventer inhaler for a few weeks and problem solved (or should be). But what happens when your on the maximum doses of all your medication, your next step is too increase your prednisilone. Doing this you are guaranteed to be awake all night although hopefully not with breathlessness and wheezing but prednisilone os renowned for insomnia and therefore you are still suffering from a lack of sleep.

For me insomnia is a big issue probably due to the prednisilone, but that in itself is something I can handle as eventually you will fall asleep, it just feels like it takes forever and time drags on as you watch your clock tick over minute by minute hour by hour.

Once I do drift off I will inevitibly wake up normally gasping for breath, coughing or wheezing sometimes a combination of all three. This is where I am so grateful for my nebuliser. A neb and some breathing exercises and perhaps some physic and I will be able to settle back down hopefully for the rest of the night.

Sometimes it takes longer. Its this period of time where your mind clicks in and I find I start thinking. I always end up thinking about what I long to do, what I can not do just now, planning ways of being able to do what I want to do with insane medication regimes which no Dr would ever sanction and I would never actually want to do as I would end up spending more time medicating than I would participating in whatever it was I was wanting to do.

Tonight for example I have been dwelling a lot on lacrosse and the gym. I long to go back to the gym. I was not a gym junkie but I loved that exhausted feeling you had when you had a really good work out. I loved the adrenaline and buzz you would get when in the gym, I love the competitive nature of lacrosse and team camaraderie which you don’t get as a spectator. While having my neb (or3) I was planning ways of slowly building myself up and strengthing my muscles to cope with exercise again. It is not going to happen soon but I do hope sometime in the future I will be able to play lacrosse again and go to the gym. Since giving up all exercise I hate the changes in my body. I no longer have the muscle definition I once had, I have gained a lot of weight from the prednisilone. Although I have been on prednisilone for a long time it is only the last 2 years that I have not been able to go to the gym and really the last year I have not done any aerobic exercise so the weight gain has been even more. My body is a different shape and I just don’t like it. I will get my athletic physique back but it will just take time and for now I need to get my asthma better before I go pushing myself to lose fat and gain muscle.

For the time being I need to just be content with myself and grateful that I can do what I can. In time I will get back to where I want to be. Right now I will finish my neb and try fall back to sleep so I can enjoy my day off.

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